SIC! SIC! SIC! is a regular feature of every issue, in which we rely on readers to send us funny errors made in (thank goodness) other publications. (And those on signs, in form letters, etc., etc. We’re capable of finding the funny errors in our own publication without help!) If you find a howler that you’d like to share, send it to either mailing address below or click here.
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Recently elected to non-resident membership in the Overseas Press Club of America was an editor of a Chinese medical journal who rejoices in the name of Young Sick Kim! [K.S. Giniger, New York]
New candidate for most frequently misspelled word (after misspelled): genealogy, which often appears as “geneology.” Candidate for word often misused: discomfit, confused with discomfort. [Janet W. Salz, Lauderhill, Florida]
The prominently displayed name of the “half-size” or “fat-lady” department in Bullock’s Department store in California is called Lady Bullock. [Colleen Arndt, Morgan Hill, California]
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From San Diego Magazine: “She juggles a load of volunteer activities with the poise of an octopus … [and she is] shepherding the development… around the rapids of task forces, commissions, government agencies, through the Scylla and Charybdis of financial packaging.” [Barbara Marsh, San Diego]
Ironic Misnomer: Mohawk Tire Company–considering the fact that the American Indian never invented the wheel!
Jim Lehrer, Channel 13, N.Y.: “Doctor, what is your opinion of mid-wiffery?”
Asst. HEW Secy. Henry Aaron, explaining that the proposed welfare reform bill will cost closer to $2 billion than to $9 billion: “There’s a lot less here than meets the eye.”
Channel 5, N.Y.: “… an elderly geriatric patient.”
WBAI news: “The Scottsboro boy who was sentenced to die three times.”
National Council of Churches: “We have concluded a pre-feasibility study.”
TWA captain, to passengers about to land at JFK: “Remain in your seats until we deplane the aircraft at Kennedy Airport.”
[all submitted by Austin H. Perlow, Hempstead, New York]
There is a place in Scotland in what used to be called Invernesshire with the name Glenelg, which doesn’t look like a palindrome but is. Hardly a city, however, as the population of the village and parish was, in 1937, under two thousand. [Robert Martin, Glasgow]
“Make certain that frozen meat, fish, poultry, or other food is thoroughly thawed before cutting it with a knife that is not intended for that purpose.” –Safety Rules, Section 4012 Rule 6, pub. by the National Railroad Passenger Corporation (Amtrak). [Rich Webber, Boulder Creek, California]
Richard B. Anderson [Arlington, Massachusetts] admits to having concocted, with the help of Joseph Zelan, a new cocktail made from Manischewitz wine and tomato juice. Its name, of course, is the Oyvay Maria.
******(2)
Our friend John F. Gummere writes a regular column called “Words &c” for The (Philadelphia) Enquirer. If you pester your local newspaper, you may be able to read and enjoy it, too.
A young woman in a shop, confused as to the meaning of `rough estimate,’ as the light finally broke: “Oh! You want a ball-point figure!” [Maxine Frosch Reingold, Houston, Texas].
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Overheard in an elevator: “He’s not able to prioritize his work at all.” “Well, first he’s gotta learn to routinize.” [Lee Ash, Bethany, Ct.]
Overheard at a showing of Superman, when the hero has flown 1000 miles or so to save the screaming Lois Lane from being buried alive. He: “How could he know she was in trouble?” She (somewhat contemptuously): “Don’t you know that Superman has x-ray hearing?!”
“We regret that due to the increased price of coffee we must charge for every other cup. This does not apply to coffee served with meals or police officers.”–sign in a New Orleans restaurant. [Dot Luckey, Gretna, Louisiana.]
TO AVOID DANGER OF SUFFOCATION, KEEP AWAY FROM BABIES AND CHILDREN. — on a plastic garment bag.
That explains the shortness of breath one may experience while jogging past a schoolyard. [from Mrs. G.H. Garbolevsky, Norfolk, VA]
Bernard Meltzer on WOR’s advice show, What’s Your Problem, in a commercial for mausoleums: “Burial underground is dirty, muddy, and crowded.”
The 1979 Radio Shack catalogue lists an Electronic Fever Thermometer “for both oral and rectal use.”
******(2)
“OFFICE OF EMERGENCY PREPAREDNESS NOT YET READY,” headline in Dallas Morning News, n.d. [Javan Kienzle, Dallas, Texas]
At the next table in a restaurant at breakfast: “May I have a croissant [kroi s\?\nt]?
******(12)
“Planned Parenthood Looking for Volunteers.” [Headline in The Elmira [Ontario] Independent]
“Suggestions for handling obscene phone calls from New England Telephone Co.” [Title of a brochure purported (by Harvard Magazine) to be distributed by a phone company. Both of the preceding submitted by Elisabeth P. Smith, Waterloo, Ontario]
A brochure issued by Washington National Insurance Company offers “$100 a day …even for life! for covered injuries during hospitalization.” It would be interesting to see the actuarial figures describing injuries sustained during hospitalization.
Notice on some London underground escalators: “Dogs Must Be Carried.” As the story goes, a confused and flustered old lady, having seen and complied with a sign reading “Tickets Must Be Shown,” was terrified that, without a dog, she would have to climb the stairs.
Notice over the door of a small country hospital, somewhere in Europe, that is run by the Nursing Sisters of Charity translates into: “We harbor every sort of disease and have no respect for religion.”
Street sign in England: “Children Drive Slowly.” (Thank goodness!) [The three preceding from A. Adrian Allen, London, England]
Sign at a neighborhood recreation center in Hawaii: “Do Not Sit On Balls. Use For Intended Purposes Only.” [Submitted by Alfred G. Hoel, University of Hawaii, Pearl City]
After working during the past six months on a part-time probationary basis, San Diego Unified School District officials have decided [Chris Timmins] can handle a full-time job again. [San Diego Union, 24 July 1979, p. B4; submitted by Barbara Marsh, San Diego]
“Beware underground cables.” [Sign at a road works encountered by David Purchase, Bristol, England]
Menu barbarism in a restaurant in Germany: “Cokked Sausage.” [Also from David Purchase, ]
“Use of radar detecting devices is illegal in Connecticut” [Sign on a highway entering Connecticut from Massachusetts. Norman R. Shapiro, Wesleyan University, who spotted it, comments, “How sporting of the State Police to inform me that it’s illegal for them to monitor my speed with radar!”]
The Congregation Anshei Lebedowe-Radcilowe, at 266 East Broadway in New York City has its “manse” listed in the Manhattan telephone directory. [“Presbyterian Jews, no doubt?” comments Ken Giniger, of New York City, who submitted this.]
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Mystifying announcement (without explanation) heard each morning on New York City radio stations in April: “Alternate-side-of-the-street parking has been suspended because of the tugboat strike.” [Darrilyn Desser letter to N.Y. Times, May 6, 1979–sent by Simon Nathan, New York City]
“Fire hit the old gashouse back in April, destroyed the roof, and more than 100,000 volumes. And now there is a move under way by the Waterford Historical Commission …to restore the damage.” [Barney Fowler in the (Albany, N.Y.) Times-Union, May 30, 1979, p. 16. Submitted by Norman F. Gallman, Schroon Lake, New York]
Harper’s (August 1979) was moved to comment on the obscurity of the language used in a report published by the Carnegie Commission for Public Broadcasting. The report reads, in part, “The institution we now call public broadcasting has reached an unprecedented intersection of the dynamics of American democracy with advanced communications technology as we are drawn inexorably toward the configurations of the 21st century…. Public broadcasting, by involving itself more deeply in the evolving telecommunications opportunities, could reflect the people’s need for an information context that will not only enhance their lives but their citizenship as well.” [Submitted by Edward Coffey, Huntsville, Alabama]
“Under Mayor Koch’s proposal, anyone caught without a registered handgun would be sentenced to a year in jail.” [Good Morning, America, ABC, February 22, 1980; submitted by Tony Castagno, Rocky Hill, Connecticut.] Does that make Koch a funfighter in gun city?
The Most Promising Book to win the 1980 S/M Award; How to Beat a Bad Back, Shirley Linde, Rawson Wade.
The answer is Hispanic. What’s the question? Bureaucrats invented Hispanic for a noun a few years (too late to make the 1966 edition of The Random House Unabridged), and they are now in trouble. A Dept. of Commerce press release for Nov. 7, 1979, reports, “A central problem is the inability of the census data to reflect a clear, unambiguous, and objective defintion of exactly who is a member of the Hispanic population.” They will never find out if they persist in referring to “the Hispanic population” once they have acknowledged that they don’t know what it means. Maybe bureaucrats will learn to use the language descriptively and to stop trying to find shortcuts.
“Women in China Forcibly Sterilized by Thousands.” [Headline, Los Angeles Times, March 17, 1980, Part 1, p.1; submitted by Dennis James Izzi, Los Angeles, California.]
“Over 90% of homeowners plan to insulate themselves better.” [Caption, advt. for Diamond International, Business Week, August 20, 1979, p.87; submitted by Elizabeth Christiansen, Lompoc, California.)
Headline, N.Y. Times, January 15, 1980, p. B2: “Carey Meets a Father of Retarded Son, 16, After 9-month Delay.”
Sign at dry-cleaning shop on Dixwell Avenue, New Haven, Connecticut: “Sweaters Blocked to Sighs.”
“We want to extend our sympathies to the Stock family. Mrs. Stock (Valerie) died suddenly last year and the same happened to her husband (Michael) who was buried this week from St. Anselm.” [Submitted by Javan Kienzle, Detroit, Michigan] Obviously, they wanted to keep him in stock as long as possible.
“To some extent, this is the kind of political dilemma incumbents always face. They have to deal with the real world as it is while their opponents can indulge themselves in the subjunctive.” [Germond-Witcover in The San Diego Union, November 13, 1979, p. B-7; submitted by Thomas S. Terrill, Carlsbad, California.] … Which ought to put them in the right mood.
***7/1***(14)
“Police report that a man drove a car wrecklessly through town, damaging several parked cars along the way. The town police cruiser received $500 damage in the incident.” [From the (Kingston, Ontario) Whig-Standard, April 2, 1980, p.26. Submitted by Patricia Whitaker, Kingston, Ontario, who reports that the Whig-Standard . . . is a pretty good paper, . . . only treating us to lost “spade” cats and “martial” relationships.
A sign in the window of a neighborhood restaurant in San Francisco offers “FOOD” TO TAKE OUT. [Submitted by Margaret Tenney, Berkeley, California.]
One isn’t struck quite so hard by the ambiguous headline in The Times [London, April 14, 1980, p.4] that read “Ban on live sex shows `strikes at freedom”’ till he learns that the acronym of the pressure group campaigning for changes in the obscenity laws in England is NCROPA (just missing the “E” by a whisker). One might get the impression that such a group would favor sex shows among the dead-grateful and otherwise.
“… I would lie on a picnic bench with my head in one of my great-aunt’s broad laps. . . .” [From “Fallin’ In with the Great-Aunts,” VERBATIM, Winter 1980, p. 14. Submitted by Edgar P. Wyman, North Sandwich, New Hampshire, who suggests that Either [the author] had a lapse of memory, or the editor allowed his attention to punctuation to lapse, or Great Aunty was a freak (or had been re-lap(s)ed.)]
“While some retailers are towing the line cautiously, others. . . .” [From California Apparel News, February 29, 1980. Submitted by Warren Wilkins, Seattle, Washington.] Give them enough rope. . . .
“She was much shorter than I, but she indeed weighed more than me.” [James A. Michener, Miami Herald, March 16, 1980. Submitted by Daniel James, Ivoryton, Connecticut, who comments. New Rule of Grammar: Height takes the nominative case; weight the objective.]
“Created from colorful, anodized aluminum and tough, strong compressed polystyrene, you can write with any ball-type pen or pencil on the long-lasting tag.” [From a tag accompanying a vegetable and flower marker sold by Gardener’s Eden, Boston, Massachusetts. Submitted by Hans Beacham, Austin, Texas, who comments. What about those of us that are not created from colorful, anodized aluminum and tough, strong compressed polystyrene?]
A restaurant in Katmandu, Nepal, offers testy snacks, one in Sana’a, Yemen, paper steak and Garden Blue, and one in Freetown, Sierra Leone (where English is the official language, stake. [Submitted by Kathryn W. Uphaus, Freetown, Sierra Leone.]
“REWARD FUND CREATED FOR BURNING ARSONISTS . . . Last month [Mayor] Voinovich promised . . . that he would request that the Law Enforcement Assistance Administration set aside $10,000 for a reward program for nonfatal crimes of arson.” [From The Cleveland Press, March 8, 1980, A8. Submitted by Brud Turner, Cleveland Heights, Ohio, who comments. Code of Hammurabi (Lex Talionis) is alive and well in Cleveland!]
Latest entry in the noun-stacking contest: Merit pay appraisal system research field test training session. [From Bulletin 22, of the Air Force Flight Test Center, Edwards AFB, California. Submitted by Ted Bear, Historian, AFFTC, Edwards AFB, California.]
“How BONDAGE LIBERATED ME … It was only when tied down that she first felt free.” [Title and subtitle of an article in Variations, Fall 1978, p.7. Submitted by Angus I. Campbell, San Francisco, California, who characterizes it as a double oxymoron.]
227 DUNLOP, L. B.; DUFF, G. Pizzle dropping on wethers at Canaway Downs. Queensland Agricultural Journal (1979) 105 (I) 35-37 [En, 2 fig.] Sheep & Wool Branch, Department of Primary Industries, Queensland, Australia.
Evidence is presented from observations over a period of 5 years on a farm in south-western Qeensland that the operation known as pizzle dropping prevents pizzla strike; by blowflies [mainly Lucilia ouprina (Wled.)] and smelly bellies and, if combined with radical mulesing and jowling, eliminates the need to handle wether sheep between shearings, When wethers were jowled, mulessd and pizzle dropped, but not crutched, wigged, ringed or dipped, the saving totalled SA417/1000 sheep annually.
[From Review of Applied Entomology, Series B, 1980, Vol. 68, No. 1. Submitted by Mary M. Krinsky, North Haven, Connecticut, …as the worst bit of jargon we had seen in many years.]
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Sign in a shop window: OPEN SOON / DEATH IN FAMILY / PROBABLY MONDAY. [Submitted by Philip Slawsky, M.D., Plymouth, Massachusetts.]
“Although the birds of Hawaii are said to be among those hardest hit by extinction . . . ”–The New York Times, December 25, 1979. [Submitted by H. W. Janson, New York University.]
“WARNING: Joggers be alert for those persons participating in other activities such as basketball, volleyball, tennis, and badminton while using the running track.”–Sign in the athletic fieldhouse of the University of Bridgeport. [Submitted by Bryan Miller, Chester, Connecticut.]
“In fact, and this is just a guess, one would be tempted to say that . . .”–Music review in The Ann Arbor News, May 8, 1979. [Submitted by Bert G. Hornback, .]
The Boulevard Inn, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, offers “a thoughtful vegetarian plate.” [From Reinhold Aman, Waukesha, Wisconsin, who wonders. What would be a thoughtless one? A dish with a hunk of meat? or telling the customer, “The wurst is yet to come!”?]
On West George Street, in Glasgow, stands a pub, The Muscular Arms.
“A high-ranking state Alcoholic Beverage Commission official said Friday that Wednesday’s retroactive renewal and transfer of the beverage permit of the rural Bloomington Liars’ Lodge by the Monroe County Alcoholic Beverage Board was `unique but not uncommon.”’ –The Herald- Telephone, Bloomington, Indiana, undated issue from autumn, 1979. [Submitted by Annabel Wolfson, Worcester, Massachusetts.]
On June 12, 1980, The New York Post quoted John Anderson as saying, “I’m not going to stand up and genuflect to the Ayatollah Khomeini.” [Submitted by Martin Meyers, New York City.]
“More than most, the gang over at Scali, McCabe, Sloves knows that if you work hard, keep your nose to the grindstone, care diligently for clients and maintain high honesty and moral terpitude good things will happen to your business.”– The New York Times, July 22, 1980, in Philip H. Dougherty’s column. Advertising. [Submitted by Henry C. Maguire, Killingworth, Connecticut.]
GIFTS FOR SAVING – FREE OR AT SUBSTANTIAL SAVINGS. -Sign in a savings and loan office window in Chicago. [Submitted by Alex J. Pollock, Northbrook, Illinois, who remarks, Some gifts you have to pay for!]
THIS STORE IS PROTECTED AGAINST SHOPLIFTING BY SECURITY PERSONNEL.–Sign in a local supermarket in Thunder Bay, Ontario. [Submitted by Robert S. Dilley, Thunder Bay, Ontario who comments. So much for their opinion of the local forces of law and order!]
Heard on Boston radio, week of June 21, 1980, in an obituary for a nonagenarian millionaire, whose rags-to- riches career was characterized as a “modern-day Alger Hiss story.” [Submitted by Norman R. Shapiro, Wesleyan University who suggest, Whittaker Chambers please take (posthumous) note.]
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“Four Held Over Bomb Are Freed” [headline in The Times (London), June 7, 1980. Submitted by Kenneth L. Karst, UCLA.]
“The fact that no consumer advocate has yet strode forth to defend and protect the interests of those who can afford a $30,000 coupe is probably not the least bit surprising.” [from an advertisement for BMW in The New Yorker, March 24, 1980. Submitted by D. L. Emblen, Santa Rosa, California. It is surprising, though, that no advocate of proper English has stridden forth to replace that copywriter.]
“FLAMING TOILET SEAT CAUSES EVACUATION AT HIGH SCHOOL” [from The Philadelphia Bulletin, December 15, 1980. Submitted by Oliver G. Ludwig, Villanova University].
“VIOLATIONS WILL BE ENFORCED.” [from the list of rules posted at the swimming pool in Eldorado at Santa Fe, New Mexico. Submitted by Reginald E. Dunstan, of that city.]
“Mental Health Prevention Office Opens” [headline in The State Scene June 1980, p. 15. Submitted by R. J. Gualtieri Amston, Connecticut. So much for the mental health of the residents of Connecticut.]
“. . . There is no trace of any commission for this work, although Handel might have written it as an act of praise for his recovery from paralysis the following year.” [from an advertisement in The Musical Heritage Review, IV: 14 (10 November 1980), for “Israel in Egypt.” Submitted by Emily Z. Tabuteau, East Lansing Michigan who considers the act most prescient.]
“7 oz. of choice sirloin broiled to your likeness served with golden fried onion rings.” [from the November 19-26, 1980 Weekly Specials on the menu of the St. Louis County Country Club. Submitted by Maryan Eger Kirkwood, Missouri, who comments: The golden fried onion rings impart just the right halo effect!]
“Police said the bodies were found at 12:30 a.m. in Snider’s bedroom in a two-story house under a freeway in West Los Angeles that he shared with two other people.” [from an AP dispatch in The San Diego Union, August 16, 1980. Submitted by Thomas S. Terrill, Carlsbad, California. We know those Californians are rich, but this is too much!]
“More good news is that the Brooks company may issue a shoe designed for the higli-arched foot, which can cause the runner major medical problems.” [from “Medical Advice,” by Dr. Geo. Sheehan, in Runner’s World, November 1980, p. 100. Submitted by N. M. McGee, Daly City, California.]
COVINA. As part of an on going program to upgrade the present system, Covina City Water Department is replacing an 8 “water main with a new 12” one on Rowland Avenue west of Grand Avenue near Barranca Avenue to increase and improve fire flow to the area. [from Pipeline, November-December, 1980, p. 4. Submitted by David C. Michen, Pomona, California. Residents of the area take notice and increase your fire insurance at once!]
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“The defendant, Mrs. –, sat straight and stiff in her chair awaiting the verdict of the jury. When it came, her face belied no emotion.” [from a news broadcast on Radio Station WSYR, Syracuse, New York, at 3:30 p.m. on December 8, 1980. Submitted by John R. Vogt, , of that city.]
“After the death of her father as a young child, her mother moved the family to Durban, South Africa, to be near relatives.” [from a biographical note about Juliet Prowse in TV Week, Chicago Tribune, June 15, 1980. Submitted by I. Taubenfligel, Chicago.]
“Police report that a robber jumped up on the counter of a bar in East Los Angeles the other day and shouted, This is a holdup,’ in both English and Spanish.” [From The Los Angeles Times, April 28, 1981. Submitted by Egdon T. Margo, Reseda, California. And there are some who would question the benefits of the teaching of foreign languages in America!]
“A Gross Durham Budget Of $3,887,323 Readied” [Headline in The Middletown (Conn.) Press, May 1, 1981, p. 17. Submitted by John D. Thomas, Middletown, Connecticut. No editorializing, please!]
“4-Hour Service: In by 8 Out by 2. [From the window of a dry-cleaner’s in San Francisco. Tempus fugit.]
“Original Joe’s #2.” [Name of a well-known restaurant in San Francisco. This and the preceding submitted by Dr. William K. Redican, San Francisco.]
“However, several witnesses testified that Hudson was alone in his office that night at various times with one or more of the three women.” [From The (Charleston, S.C.) News and Courier, February 26, 1981. Submitted by McColl Pringle, Charleston. It seems increasingly difficult to find any privacy at all these days.]
“CORRECTIONS: An article in The Living Section on Wednesday about decorative cooking incorrectly described a presentation of Muscovy duck by Michel Fitoussi, a New York chef. In preparing it, Mr. Fitoussi uses a duck that has been killed.” [From The New York Times, April 25, 1981, p. 25. Submitted by James J. Storrow, Jr., New York City. Now they tell me! Here, I’d tried a ruptured duck, left over from World War II, a lame duck, left over from the Carter administration, a Wild Duck, supplied by my butcher, Henrik Ibsen, a Peking duck, which just kept looking at me, somewhat reproachfully, as I tried to decorate it, and a cold duck, which persisted in trying to get back into its bottle.]
“Attitude Adjustment Hour-11:00 A.M. to 7:00 P.M.” [From an advertisement in After Dark, March 1981, for Past Time Lounge, Winter Haven, Florida. Submitted by Jerome Rhodes, Delray Beach, Florida, who marks the novel euphemism for drinking as well as the new sense of how.]
“ He said that although the island can be seen in just about three hours, it boasted of several achievements which China would like to borrow. He did not specify.” [From an (undated March) piece in the Advocate News (Barbados), submitted by John McClellan, Woodstock, New York.]
“Hundreds of millions of broccoli heads are devoured annually by Americans in every calendar month.” [From Horticulture, March 1981, p. 25. Submitted by Jesse Roth, Rockville, Maryland. Is that the Julian or the Gregorian calendar month?]
“Warren M. Christopher left the State Department on in uncharacteristically flamboyant note. His face flushed, his eyes glistening and waving to welcomers, the normally low-keyed diplomat …” [From a report in New York Times, January 22, 1981. Those waving eyes get you every time….Both of the preceding from Elizabeth Copper, New York City]
“The Army’s Strolling Strings, Grand Marnier souffle and Schramsberg blanc de noirs champagne were served simultaneously for dessert.” [From a report in The New York Times, February 26, 1981, of a White House state dinner honoring Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. That struck just the right cord!]
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In the May 22, 1981, issue of Publishers Weekly, appeared notice of a new paperback, Analise, by Lisa Gregory, , published by Jove.
“NO DUMPING–TRESPASSERS WILL BE VIOLATED” [Sign at Memorial Road and Eastern, Oklahoma City, reproduced in the Sunday magazine section of the Sunday Oklahoman, April 19, 1981. Submitted by Tom S. Reyenga, Oklahoma City.]
“Center for Continuing Education, dormatory 3737 Semnry Rd Alex” [From the Northern Virginia (Washington Metropolitan Area) Telephone Directory of the Chesapeake and Potomac Telephone Company, January 1981. Submitted by Andrew F. Downey, Jr., Washington, D.C.]
“They glut themselves, eating with their hands, shoveling the groceries into themselves in a caricature of infantile oral behavior. Literally, they rape the refrigerator.” [From a review by Robert Taylor of The Men’s Club, by Leonard Michaels, in The Boston Globe, April 22, 1981. Submitted by Nancy D. Goss, North Andover, Massachusetts.]
“PLEASE NOT PLACE ARTICLES OR SIT ON BED.” [Sign placed on a bed in the Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minnesota, just before it is to be made up for an incoming patient. Submitted by John R. Starrs, Detroit.]
“The latest [of TV’s `reality shows’] is CBS’s `That’s My Line,’ which will have its premiere tonight, with unctuous host Bob Barker introducing us to unusual jobs. For example, we visit a school that teaches how to pick up girls and a blind carpenter.” [From The Milwaukee Journal, February 3, 1981. Submitted by Reinhold Aman, Waukesha, Wisconsin, who reports that he has “heard of weird fetishes (deaf bakers and lame plumbers), but picking up blind carpenters is bizarre!”]
“Born George William Frederick in 1738, he was descended from the Hanoverian kings of England who had come to the throne in 1714. His great-grandfather, George I, and his grandfather, George II, had paraded their mistresses publicly and had never shown any great love for the country they ruled.” [From Home of the Brave–A Patriot’s Guide to American History, by John Alexander Carroll and Odie B. Faulk, page 71. Submitted by MacDonald Wood, M.D., Phoenix.]
“I hope you can write six more volumes of your autobiography.” [Dick Cavett to former Prime Minister Macmillan, December 23, 1980. Submitted by Marion Nickel, Rhinebeck, New York.]
“Asked at a House hearing about possible revision of the Consumer Price Index, HHS Secretary Schweiker replied, `Let me be explicit. This administration may be looking at across-the-board revision, or nonrevision, of the index.’ ” [From The Wall Street Journal, March 27, 1981. Submitted by Mrs. Andrew Koren, Lake Havasu City, Arizona.]
“His answer was that there is `a logical relationship’ between a black bank and the Detroit community, which is, as he put it, `more than 60 percent minority’ in its racial mix.” [From The Detroit News, April 2, 1981, reporting an interview with Charles E. Allen, president of the First Independence National Bank of Detroit. Submitted by John R. Starrs, Detroit.]
“But [Collingwood Ingram’s] achievements range far beyond the garden; in his time he has been an exceptional traveller and ornithologist, and only this year was writing in Country Life on great tits.” [From The Times, 28 October 1980, in an item concerning a centenarian.]
“Major crimes, excluding burglaries, are almost nonexistant. Burglaries, however, do occur. We find ourselves climbing toward the national averages and find ourselves with the problem of unwanted criminals in our homes.” [From a letter to residents from the Chief of Police of East Brandywine, Pennsylvania, submitted by Stanley G. Barnes, Guilford, Connecticut. We had the same problem, so we moved.]
“DUO TOMACULA BUBULA CONDIMENTUM PECULIARE LACTUCA CASEUS MURIAE UNIONES IN PANE SESUMINATA” [found in the Papal Wastebasket by a friend of Egdon H. Margo’s, Reseda, California.]
blockquote> “The choice we have is a simple one: either we will be prisoners and hapless victims whirled around by the impending world events, or we will come to grips with the fact that no matter what we have planned to do with our lives, forces much greater than those we control will shape our lives profoundly.” –Revolutionary Communist Youth Brigade, Ann Arbor, Michigan. [Submitted by Bert G. Hornback, Ann Arbor, Michigan, who apostrophizes, Some choice, huh?]
A sign outside the secretarial pool at the Pentagon during World War II: ALL OFFICERS WISHING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE SECRETARIES IN THE POOL MUST FIRST REPORT TO ROOM 403 TO SHOW EVIDENCE OF THEIR NEED. [Submitted by Murray Schwartz, Nyack, New York.]
“Death benefits are payable to dependents when accidental injury or occupational disease results in death for 20 years or up to $250,000.00 whichever is greater.”–Summary of Illinois Workmen’s Compensation Act and Illinois Occupational Diseases Act as Amended 7-1-77. [Submitted by Clark Holt, Park Ridge, Illinois.]
“This coupon is redeemable for one FREE HANDFUL SAMPLING (2 oz.) of our delicious `California Pistachios.’ Just fill in the form below and enclose a $1.00 bill (no checks, please, our bank can’t handle them) to cover postage & handling. We’ll rush you your FREE HANDFUL SAMPLING so that you can discover what you’ve been missing!” –Text on a coupon from the Fresno Trading Co., Fresno, California. [Submitted by Hugh B. McManus, Jr., M.D., Redlands, California, who observes that at $1.00 plus 15¢ postage, the customer is paying $9.20 a pound; Fresno’s regular price is just under $5.00 a pound, about the average.]
Tom Brokaw, after the Columbia had been safely landed, advised in a live broadcast from Edwards Air Force Base, California, that Young and Crippen had given their spacecraft “fulsome praise.” [Submitted by Robert Joseph Powers, Shreveport, Louisiana. And here we thought they rather liked her.]
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“The fact that no consumer advocate has yet strode forth to defend and protect the interests of those who can afford a $30,000 coupe is probably not the least bit surprising.” [from an advertisement for BMW in The New Yorker, March 24, 1980. Submitted by D. L. Emblen, Santa Rosa, California. It is surprising, though, that no advocate of proper English has stridden forth to replace that copywriter.]
BLOCK PATROLLED BY UNIFORM GUARDS.–Sign on East 94th Street, New York City. [Submitted by Norman A. Ross, New York City.]
“…Simply slip it through your arm.” [From a mail-order catalog advertisement for a doughnut-shaped Bisque Wine Cooler, published by The Stitchery, Wellesley, Massachusetts. Submitted by Nancy B. Watson, Colebrook, New Hampshire.]
“Our authoritative appraisal (on our letterhead) is essential for appropriate insurance and your own piece of mind. An appointment is necessary for this important service.” [From an advertisement for Jacobs, jewelers, in the Minneapolis Tribune, January 18, 1981. Submitted by Laura D. Platt, St. Paul. As we’ve been telling you, what this country needs is a good five-cent prefrontal lobotomy.]
“LOST & FOUND–Found vicinity of 24th-28th & South, male brindle Boxer, wearing choke chain with broken lease.” [From the Sunday Journal and Star, Lincoln, Nebraska, January 4, 1981. Submitted by Doris Cole, Lincoln. Landlord problems?]
Stacked Noun: “Airport Long Term Car Park Courtesy Vehicle Pickup Point.” [Seen at London’s Gatwick Airport by Norman A. Heap, Trenton, New Jersey.]
“The model AD-6 dryer which you have does have an asbestos insulator. However, we tested it and found no significant level of exposure to consumers of asbestos fibers.” [From the Appliance Division of The Gillette Company to Richard Joyce, Tucson, Arizona, in response to a query. Not many of those consumers around much any more.]
“Hyperactivity–or, to use the term now preferred, attention deficit disorder–can continue into adolescence and adulthood.” [From a column by Dr. Neil Solomon in the Press-Herald (Portland, Maine), n.d. submitted by Josephine Bell Trask, Damariscotta, Maine.]
“I am concerned that the BMA should state categorically that it deprecates the activities of unscrupulous members of our profession who are out for a quick kill, at the expense of the reputation of the rest of us.” [From a letter by R. Moshy, Honorary Secretary, British Medical Association, Manchester, published in The British Medical Journal, 23 May 1981. Submitted by Dr. D.B. Jack, The Medical School, University of Birmingham.]
******(7)
Stacked Noun: “Airport Long Term Car Park Courtesy Vehicle Pickup Point.” [Seen at London’s Gatwick Airport by Norman A. Heap, Trenton, New Jersey.]
“DEATH NOTICES–Man 62, has nicely balanced personality, disposition & looks Seeks a Wife.” [From the Sunday Star, January 25, 1981. Submitted by I. Taubenfligel, Chicago, who comments, This marriage is certainly going to be made in heaven… we hope!]
“Hyperactivity–or, to use the term now preferred, attention deficit disorder–can continue into adolescence and adulthood.” [From a column by Dr. Neil Solomon in the Press-Herald (Portland, Maine), n.d. Submitted by Josephine Bell Trask, Damariscotta, Maine.]
“I am concerned that the BMA should state categorically that it deprecates the activities of unscrupulous members of our profession who are out for a quick kill, at the expense of the reputation of the rest of us.” [From a letter by R. Moshy, Honorary Secretary, British Medical Association, Manchester, published in The British Medical Journal, 23 May 1981. Submitted by Dr. D.B. Jack, The Medical School, University of Birmingham.]
“DO NOT DRINK THE BEER HERE!” [Sign in a delicatessen on Broadway near 106th Street, New York City– one that offers a wide selection of imported beers. Submitted by Robert I. Goler, New York City.]
“You don’t cut off your nose to spoil your face.” [Quoted in The New York Times, Business Section, September 6, 1981. Submitted by Paul M. Lloyd, Secane, Pennsylvania. Indeed, why bother otherwise?]
“BABE Treat wishes to announce the forthcoming marriage of her only daughter Patricia Elizabeth to William Andrew Bowman. The wedding to be consummated on October 9, 1981 at Salmon Arm, B.C….” [From a classified advertisement in The Weekender, September 25, 1981, page 13. Submitted by Lt. Col. N. Sadlier-Brown, Blind Bay, British Columbia. R.S.V.P.: Regrets only?]
******(17)
Parking meters in Norwalk, Connecticut, offer: “15 min for each nickel; 30 min for each dime; and for convenience, one hour for one quarter.” [Submitted by Charles King, Jr., Wilton, Connecticut.]
“I can say again that those who teach have done something without which most people could not do for themselves whatever it is they do; that the act of teaching is an exemplary act, of self-fashioning on behalf of knowledge that teaches others how to fashion the self; that no teacher is due more respect or affection than he or she has earned, but that the drive behind the teaching effort is a positive one… That moment of poise when what is known becomes accessible and must then become what is to be found, is the act of teaching, and those acts in sequence are a life, in which, once we learn how, we are all teachers and students of ourselves.” –From an article by A. Bartlett Giamatti, President of Yale University, in Harper’s, July 1980. [Submitted by Henry Morgan, New York City, who confesses, We didn’t know that Yale offers Teach-Yourself Courses in English! It’s a pity they aren’t available to the staff at a discount.]
“Much of South Florida was plagued by an abnormally dry rainy season this past spring…” [From Today, October 10, 1981, page 1. Submitted by Deborah J. Rahn, Melbourne Beach, Florida.]
“Bad English usage is a continuing battle for everyone. It requires unending vigilance, even by those who apparently should know better.”–From an editorial in the Kitchener-Waterloo Record, June 2, 1980, p. 6. [Submitted by Carol Verdun, Wellesley, Ontario.] …Or should that be especially by those who should know better?
“…wild and wooly snap-front yolk-shouldered shirts are showing up under $300 sports jackets.”–Playboy, July, 1980. [Submitted by Dennis Moore, Greenville, South Carolina, who comments, The yoke’s on y’all, boys.]
“When officers arrived, they heard…a loud disturbance caused by people congregated in a yard, on the street and on the sidewalk. All but two who were arrested obeyed the officers’ request to disburse.” [From Police Beat in The Outlook, October 21, 1981, page 8. Submitted by Douglas Lind, Seattle, Washington…. And we thought Seattle was a clean town….]
“The Trojans, symbolized by their white horse, Traveler III, who races around the Coliseum’s running track when USC scores, always strikes fear in the opposition because, like that steed, they are big and flashy.” [From Sports Illustrated, 5 October, 1981, page 27. Submitted by William Simon III, Ramstein Air Base, Federal Republic of Germany. Eh?]
“And what to my wondering ears should appear but a Secretary of State speaking perfectly coherent, intelligent English.” [From the Wall Street Journal, October 15, 1981, n.p. Submitted by McColl Pringle, Charleston, South Carolina. Should that be wondering eyes? or, maybe, wandering eyes? or…]
“After all, you’ve nothing to lose, except a great way of looking good and feeling fit.” [From an advertising mailing piece for Vapa-Mist, sent by Nordic, Reigate, Surrey. Submitted by S.H. Bendahan, Wraysbury, Berkshire. There’s nothing like Truth in Advertising.]
“My guide for this visit was a charming mother of three grown children named Nicole Paiement,…” [From the Columbus Dispatch, n.d. Submitted by Dorothy Branson, Columbus, Ohio. Charming, perhaps, but a little short on imagination.]
“Grammer is a science: punctuation is an art.” [From the NJEA (New Jersey Educational Association) Review, September 1981, page 13. Submitted by Chet Meyer, Wayne, New Jersey. But spelling is the most creative of all….]
“Complementary Bar and Buffet” [From an invitation to the annual Alumni Association cocktail party of the School of General Studies, Columbia University. Submitted by Brian-Marc Rom, New York City.]
“Keyes… said she sees a need for the police department, but feels the three officers the city had (reduced from five) is too many and 1½ would be more sufficient.” [From a post Election Day article in the World, Coos Bay, Oregon. Submitted by D.R. Miller, Coos Bay, Oregon. 1½ oafs are better than 3.]
“Drive Slower When Wet” [Highway sign in Ohio, in westbound lane, about 50 miles east of Indiana state line. Submitted by Robert E.A.P. Ritholz, Madison, Wisconsin.]
“FAMILY PLANNING TO END IN FALL” [From a leader in the Grants Pass Daily Courier, June 5, 1981. Submitted by Helen Coster, Grants Pass, Oregon, who wonders whether the world is aware of the deadline.]
<“The crowd was small, but that didn't stop the Allman Brothers, noted Southern rock band, from putting on a credible show at Sweeney Auditorium in Santa Fe on Tuesday evening.” [From a review by Dwight F. Loop in the Albuquerque Journal, September 3, 1981, page C-6. Submitted by Kenneth R. Fortman, Albuquerque, New Mexico…. Incredible as it may have seemed….]
(SIC TRANSIT Dept.) “The advent of these sleek coaches should provide a tremendous shot in the arm to both legs of Nevada's passenger train system.”–Washington Report from Senator Gannon to Nevadans, May 1980. [Submitted by Donald Schmiedel, Las Vegas, Nevada.]
******(13)
“The reference form included with the application must be filled out by a person within the University whom you feel knows you best academically…” [From the Student’s Instruction Sheet for Harvard/Radcliffe Financial Aid Application1981-82. Submitted by Pane Pascal, University of Washington, Seattle.]
Froidian Slip: “Saturday–Clearing, in 40s; Sunday–Partly cloudy, 40s.” [From the weather ear in the Boston Globe, November 15, 1980, reporting a sudden drop in temperature from the 60s to the 40s. Submitted by R. Merrill Ely, Chicago.]
“It also permits a flight steward to dash down to the onboard freezers for a special steak for the President or a change of clothing for the First Lady.” –The Flying White-house – The Story of Airforce One, by J. terHorst and R. Albertazzie, page 253. [Submitted by B.D. Leitch, Regina, Saskatchewan, who writes that he was not aware that First Ladies kept their wardrobes in the freezer: Was that hamburger patties you wanted or hamburger panties?]
“The [Texas 36th Division] Association is now looking for the former men that served this Division. Purpose Annual Reunion and Convention… –San Antonio Light, April 28, 1980, page 9-A. [Submitted by Dean Duncan, San Antonio, Texas, who reports, I was a member [sic], but I haven’t had the operation making me eligible to attend the reunion.]
“The staple of Bowman’s business was picture cards, such as the one below of two ornately costumed girls that cost $3 per dozen.” [From a photo caption in the Chicago Tribune, January 20, 1981. Submitted by Leslie L. Lewis, Rockford, Illinois. Those were the good old days.]
“Our investors are profiteering from… way above average results, and many of their investment problems were solved by us.”–From an advertisement of Explora Oil Corporation N.V., in The International Herald Tribune, Paris, 11 April 1980. [Submitted by Kurt Opitz, Hamburg, Federal Republic of Germany, who wonders how reputable such an organization can be.]
“LOST & FOUND–Found vicinity of 24th–28th & South, male brindle Boxer, wearing choke chain with broken lease.” [From the Sunday Journal and Star, Lincoln, Nebraska, January 4, 1981. Submitted by Doris Cole, Lincoln. Landlord Problems?]
“Even some agents of the I.R.S.’s criminal investigation division concede privately that the agency has badly skewered its priorities by virtually ignoring major tax cheaters in favor of making `easy’ cases against middle-class taxpayers.” [From “The I.R.S. Muscles the Middle Class,” by Ernest Volkman, in Family Weekly, April 19, 1981. Submitted by Dr. and Mrs. W.P. Scheel, Mount Berry, Georgia. It’s the middle class that feels badly skewered.]
“Please Smoke in Grand Foyer.” [Sign at the Opera House entrance doors, Kennedy Center, Washington, D.C. Submitted by Eric Ostergaard, , who observes, “… as a nonsmoking supporter of the opera,…in order to comply with their latest request, I must now participate in the smoking habit.”]
“The [Northwest Power Planning] Council is required under the 1980 Northwest Power Act to develop a program to `protect, mitigate, and enhance’ the salmon and steelhead runs along the Columbia and its tributaries along with developing a 20-year master energy plan. The fish program is aimed at making up for some of the loses [sic] caused by the dams along the river.” [From Northwest Energy News, March (?) 1982, p. 3. Submitted by Sandra Kirschenbaum, San Francisco. We are at a lose to know how one protects, mitigates, and enhances all at once.]
“ `We are a little angry,’ Moss said. `We were never able to have a discussion, but that’s all water over the damn. I think it’s important that there not be a lot of negativity between Fernando and the Dodgers.’ `Has this thing left scars?’ ” [From the Los Angeles Times, 24 March 1982. Submitted by Jean MacAllister, Beverly Hills, California. “Scars” may not be the right word, but we’re damn sure that “damn” isn’t!]
“Place Your Order and Get Out of the Way.” [Sign in Mexican restaurant in Chicago.]
“All Peoples Welcome for the Gifts.” [Sign in Turkish shop next door. Both submitted by Jerry B. Jenkins, Deerfield, Illinois.]
******(13)
“Police show improvement; man dies from wound” [Headline in Dominion Post, Morgantown, West Virginia. Submitted by Stephen D. Tanner, Morgantown.]
“Please Smoke in Grand Foyer.” [Sign at the Opera House entrance doors, Kennedy Center, Washington, D.C. Submitted by Eric Ostergaard, , who observes, “…as a nonsmoking supporter of the opera, …in order to comply with their latest request, I must now participate in the smoking habit.”]
“The [Northwest Power Planning] Council is required under the 1980 Northwest Power Act to develop a program to `protect, mitigate, and enhance’ the salmon and steelhead runs along the Columbia and its tributaries along with developing a 20-year master energy plan. The fish program is aimed at making up for some of the loses [sic] caused by the dams along the river.” [From Northwest Energy News, March (?) 1982, p. 3. Submitted by Sandra Kirschenbaum, San Francisco. We are at a lose to know how one protects, mitigates, and enhances all at once.]
“ `We are a little angry,’ Moss said. `We were never able to have a discussion, but that’s all water over the damn. I think it’s important that there not be a lot of negativity between Fernando and the Dodgers.’ `Has this thing left scars?’ ” [From the Los Angeles Times, 24 March 1982. Submitted by Jean MacAllister, Beverly Hills, California. “Scars” may not be the right word, but we’re damn sure that “damn” isn’t!]
“Place Your Order and Get Out of the Way.” [Sign in Mexican restaurant in Chicago.]
“All Peoples Welcome for the Gifts.” [Sign in Turkish shop next door. Both submitted by Jerry B. Jenkins, Deerfield, Illinois.]
“…the wheres and the whyfors.” [From interview with Susan Alter, Council of City of New York, 32nd Dist., Brooklyn, WOR, 24 March 1981, 7:30 a.m.]
“I consider myself a very sophisticated human being– you know, beneath this sort of thing.” [Woman giving opening testimonial on phone to Bernard Meltzer, WOR, 16 December 1979, 11:27 a.m.]
“Household Accidents Kill Most Children Each Year” [Headline from The Suburban News, Westfield, New Jersey. Submitted by Keith MacLellan, Piscataway, New Jersey.]
“HONDA ’82 PRELUDE. Fully loaded, electric sunroof, radial tires, hurry this won’t last long.” [From The Los Angeles Times, 21 February 1982. Submitted by Julie May, Los Angeles, who comments, I’d hate to buy a car that won’t last long!]
“5. SEXUAL ASSAULT CLASSES FOR 7 & 8 GRADE BOYS ON APRIL 6 WITH MR. PLEDL IN MULTI-PURPOSE ROOM” [From Teacher Bulletin, March 30, 1982, Thomas Jefferson Middle School, Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin. Submitted by Robert F. Perkins, , who observes, “It’s important for the public schools to give all students a solid foundation for the basics…”]
“When James D. Watkins was growing up in Alhambra, Calif., his mother would take him and his brother to nearby Navy ports to watch the ships come in like cows at milking time.” [From a “Man in the News” profile by Phil Gailey, N.Y. Times, March 19, 1982, p. B5. Submitted by Daniel James, Ivoryton, Connecticut, who suggests a solid lead medal for the most inept simile of the year.]
“Einstein is wrong in his general theory of relativity, if calculations by University of Arizona physicists are right.” [From’ The Los Angeles Times, April 6, 1982. Submitted by S. Jackson, Brisbane, Australia, who comments, I thought he was dead!]
******(11)
“Teachers Only–Comedy. Diana (Lynn Redgrave) is in hot water over an interview in the school literary magazine in which she revealed her candid views on premartial sex.” [From TV Guide, Springfield-Chicopee-Holyoke Edition, 23 September 1983, p. A-96. Is that what is engaged in by the opposite of a camp follower?]
“[The Duke of Edinburgh] criticized the importuning of more than 300,000 parrots into the United States every year, asking: `Are there really quite so many people who see themselves as Long John Silver?’ ” [From The Times, 23 September 1982, p. 6. Perhaps they beg to differ…]
The name of a computer products company in England reflects–at least metaphorically–the growth of that industry: it is called Fungus. One of its representatives is Andy Trollope.
For American Readers Only: “New Life for British Ass” [Headline on editorial in The Times, 11 September 1982, p.7. The reference is neither to the Rump Parliament nor to Britons’ sexual proclivities but to the British Association for the Advancement of Science.]
“I have had … surgery to cut the vegas nerve in my stomach.” [From a written statement by a claimant applying for disability benefits, New York State Department of Social Services. Submitted by Edward Buckler, Brooklyn, New York: Who says there’s no quick cure for gambling addiction?]
“It was Feshbach who, two years ago, first disclosed an increase in Soviet infant morality.” [From an article in The Daily Herald, Wausau-Merrill, Wisconsin, 31 August 1982, p.14. Submitted by George Johnson, Wausau, Wisconsin, who believes that this may be a response to President Reagan’s criticism, at a recent press conference, of a lack of ethics on the part of Soviet leaders.]
(Woman’s voice): “I told my Goodyear mechanic that all I needed was a simple lube and oil change.” [From a commercial on WRTN (radio), New York, 20 September 1982. Submitted by Bernard Witlieb, Bronx Community College, Bronx, New York. And there she is, waiting for Mr. Goodyear.]
“Tennis Titlist Back for UA” [Headline in The Cincinnati Enquirer, 8 September 1982. Submitted by Joseph W. McNair, Cincinnati, who asks Who is to do the seeding? Is this what they mean by women’s doubles?]
“No matter where you live in Cleveland, we’re only twenty minutes from downtown.” [From a commercial on WVAB-TV, Cleveland, 27 August 1982. Submitted by Dr. Dorothy Branson, Columbus, Ohio.]
“I am sure the leaders in the Kremlin are enjoying to the hilt the aura of low esteem in which teachers in the United States are held.” [From “The teacher has a quick quiz for you,” by Susan Schan, in the Kalamazoo Gazette, 3 October 1982. Submitted by Michael B. Huston, Kalamazoo, Michigan.]
300 platers at British Shipbuilders’ Scott Lithgow yards on the Clyde walked out last week after one shop steward was dismissed and another was suspended for allegedly doing The Financial Times crossword during working hours.” [From The Times, 29 September 1982. They had to send them down to get the point across.]
******(8)
“A free lamp to the first ten customers who purchases a King Size bed every day.” [from an advertisement in the San Francisco Chronicle, 1 July 1982. Submitted by O. William McClung, San Francisco. Those sleepy (and soporific) copywriters!]
“Charles Dicken’s The Life and Adventures of Nicholas Nickleby.” [from the title artwork of the television special sponsored by the Mobil Corporation, January 10-13, 1983. Submitted by Robert J. Powers, Shreveport, Louisiana.]
“Child grows into sweater.” [from a headline in the New York Daily News, 30 November 1982. Submitted by Bernard Witlieb, White Plains, New York, who comments, “Perhaps his bones began to knit.”]
“Slow Down … Children Playing Sleeping Drunks on Road.” [from a road sign in Newnes, Australia, in the National Enquirer, 5 October 1982. Submitted by Fairfax Stephenson, Seal Beach, California.]
“Where a hundred tapping feet thunder like one.” [from a television commercial for 42nd Street. Submitted by Herbert B. Turkington, Somers Point, New Jersey, who comments, … as Captain Ahab or Long John Silver would thunder were he in the cast.]
“…Mr. Simpson dies, as stated, three days later, and on Tuesday of the following week.” [from a 1932 opinion of the Washington Supreme Court, Washington Reports, vol. 169. Submitted by Mark Reutlinger, University of the Puget Sound School of Law. But what did he do for an encore?]
“Actress said improved after wreck.” [from a headline for an article on the accident that injured Janet Gaynor, in the Paris (Tennessee) Post-Intelligencer, 8 September 1982. Submitted by Kirham Ford, Paris, Tennessee, who comments, “Drastic measure, but apparently effective.”]
“Russian Satirists Exploit Chink In Chinese Armor.” [from a headline in the Baltimore Sun. Submitted by Mrs. Nathan L. Smith, Jr., Gibson Island, Maryland.]
******(19)
“We treated between 70 and 71 people.” [Mary Zeigler, assistant director of nursing at Coshocton County Memorial Hospital, quoted in The Columbus Dispatch 27 March 1983. Submitted by Dorothy Brauson, Columbus, Ohio.]
“…the test of the MG Turbo Metro revealed the achilles’ heel of mixing old and new wines. By this I mean the `A series engine’ has been coupled to a Turbo.” [“Road Test,” by Denzil Angoves, in Somerset & West, April 1983. Submitted by John Brunner, South Petherton, Somerset.]
“THE LOS ALAMOS SCHOOLS SUMMER SCHOOL PROGRAM WILL NOT DISCRIMINATE AGAINST ANY PERSON BECAUSE OF RACE, CREED, NATURAL ORIGIN, SEX, AGE OR HANDICAP.”–Los Alamos Schools Summer School, General Information. [Submitted by Barbara DuBois, Los Alamos.]
“U.S., France, and Germany Take First Steps Against U.S. Technoleurephobia…Israel Jumps on Anti-Technoleurephobia Bandwagon”–Defense Electronics: April 1983, page 14. [Submitted by Robb L. Hoover, Bellevue, Nebraska.]
“You almost expect people to fall on their knees and genuflect when they come here.” [Carl Graziano, executive assistant to the State Supreme Court (N.Y.), quoted in The New York Times, 23 May 1983. Submitted by M. Jordan, Ardmore, Pennsylvania.]
Ristorante 75, N.Y.C., offers “Toastada Italiano–w/ Amaretto Butter Syrup” and “Sankaccino–Sanka, steamed milk & cinnamon.” [Submitted by Dennis Wepman, Bronx.]
“Child grows into sweater.” [from a headline in the New York Daily News, 30 November 1982. Submitted by Bernard Witlieb, White Plains, New York, who comments, “Perhaps his bones began to knit.”]
“Slow Down…Children Playing Sleeping Drunks on Road.” [from a road sign in Newnes, Australia in the National Enquirer, <5 October 1982. Submitted by Fairfax Stephenson, Seal Beach, California.]
“TOPIC: Common Genital Heart Lesions in the Child & Adult.” [Title of a Conference held 8 March 1983 at the Department of Internal Medicine, University of Virginia Medical School. Submitted by Johannes Veldhuis, Charlottesville, Virginia.]
“Orders and inquiries are mostly welcome.” [Advertisement of the China National Native Produce & Animal By-Products Imp. & Exp. Corp. Liaoning Animal By-Products Branch, 139 Stalin Road, Delian, China, in Financial Times, 14 March 1983. Submitted by C. Black, Malmö, Sweden.]
“Kathy Miller of Scottsdale, Ariz., and her mother will discuss how the young teenager recovered after being handicapped in an accident during a luncheon sponsored by Bender's Christian Supplies.” [From the Buffalo Pennysaver & Community News, n.d. Submitted by Joan Murray, Buffalo.]
“Our quality temporaries can do your employees' work while they enjoy a deserved rest.” [Advertisement for Burnett Temporary Personnel in The Houston Post, 15 June 1983. Submitted by Frederick W. Harbaugh, Houston.]
“At least one bullet broke the pen in half, ricocheted through Sarmiento's heart and lodged in his lung. `If it wasn't for the fountain pen in his pocket,' Chambers said, `he'd be dead now.' ” [From the Daily Hampshire Gazette, June 10, 1983, p. 6. Submitted by Anon.]
“For every Marilyn Monroe admirer, a remarkable life-size reproduction of the beautiful actress. Handpainted vinyl doll wears a red gown, feather boa, necklace and spiked heels. 18” tall. #E927. 85.00 (4.85).” [From a mail-order catalogue published by Esplanade, Colonia, New Jersey. Submitted by Nancy B. Watson, Colebrook, New Hampshire.]
“Game Theory, second Edition, by G. Owen, Navel Postgraduate School.” [From a business reply card order form distributed by Academic Press, Inc. Submitted by Eduardo Rodriguez, Los Angles. Presumably, one arrives at game theory through omphaloskepsis.]
“…Albania, a country of two and three-quarters million people about the size of Maryland….” [From The Wall Street Journal, 6 June 1983. Submitted by Kenneth J. Pulliam, Pfafftown, North Carolina.]
“Game Theory, second Edition, by G. Owen, Navel Postgraduate School.” [From a business reply card order form distributed by Academic Press, Inc. Submitted by Eduardo Rodriguez, Los Angles. Presumably, one arrives at game theory through omphaloskepsis.]
Suggested slogan for Kentucky Fried Chicken (Col. Sherlock Sanders): Murder Most Fowl.
Closet Quean: a prostitute who turns her tricks in a Murphy bed.
The woman who used Listerine for slimming because she heard it would cure bad breadth.
******(2)
“The previous weekend, the Green was the site of the Guilford Fireman’s Bizarre.” [From the New Haven (Connecticut) Register, July 21, 1983, page 38. Submitted by Mary-Louise Bean, Guilford, Connecticut, who, as she did not attend, has no idea of what could have been going on.]
“For a month he laid in the berth watching the ships depart through the porthole.” [From The Yukon Breed, by Lee Davis Willoughby. Submitted by Betti Slack, Boulder, Colorado.]
******(6)
“Life insurance policy analization.” [Offered by the New York Civil Service Retired Employees Association. Submitted by Milton Schorr, Syosset, New York.]
“Gardyloo–`formerly, in Edinburgh, a cry warning people below that slops were about to be thrown from a widow onto the street.’ ” [From the Thomasville, Georgia Times-Enterprise, 2 September 1983. Submitted by David B. Guralnik, Cleveland, Ohio.]
“AUTO REPAIR SERVICE. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again. Emergency service available.” [From a classified advertisement in TV Facts, week of June 19, 1983. Submitted by Dennis Wepman, Bronx, New York.]
“Sic-Sac, The Original Motion Sickness Bag… moistureproof and not affected by extreme temperature changes.” [Submitted by A.M. Kinlock, University of New Brunswick, Canada.]
“Police said the shooting stemmed from an argument between one of the victims and had nothing to do with football rivalry.” [From The Orlando Sentinal, October 2, 1983. Submitted by Richard E. Langford, DeLand, Florida.]
“St. George Catholic Church Perish Picnic… Mass followed by picnic.” [From the Cotton, South Dakota Shopping Guide, September 7, 1983. Submitted by James Swanson, Madison, South Dakota.]
******(26)
“Dear Ann Landers:… `There is now a fink of $100 if a person fails to come to the aid of someone in an emergency.’ …Also, in Massachusetts a physician…has an obligation to provide medical services…unless the physician’s training or experience makes him unqualified to do do, in which case the physician must make a reasonable attempt to secure competent emergency aid. To date neither the Vermont nor the Massachusetts regulation has been specifically appled….
“For many years my husband and I talked about buying a fag and putting up a pole so we could appropriately celebrate patriotic holidays….
“Our daughter and her husband are angry with us and I am hurt. My husband is on their side. He says he is willing to sin with the grandkids and that I am selfish. What do you think?” [From the Kennebec Journal, Augusta, December 17, 1983, p. 8. Submitted by Vernon D. MacLaren, Augusta, Maine.]
“Moscow Press says `Hysteria’ Over Korean Plane Will Not Effect Ties for Long.” [From The New York Times, September 12, 1983. Submitted by David Galef, New York City.]
“East Coast’s leading snake-cake and pie company is now entering greater L.A.” [From a classified ad in the Los Angeles Times, September 22, 1983. Submitted by Julian Ross, Los Angeles.]
“Sick Sikh.” [From an Associated Press pick-up from a local New Delhi newspaper, reporting a stricken soldier. Submitted by E.A. Livingston, Richmond Hill, New York.]
“The Navy is considering basing a carrier group in the Gulf area … which could see a role for a battleship in places like the Caribbean where … they could cover 90 percent of targets in Cuba with their 16mm guns and impose … a oneship blockade.” [From the Alabama/West Florida Business Review, October 1983. Submitted by Stephens G. Croom, Mobile, Alabama.]
“… legislation recently proposed by Minnesota Sen. Dave Durenberger to help provide funding for establishment of a silt barrier system to keep affluents from running into our nation’s waterways. Keep affluents out, we’ll again have clear water everywhere!” [From the Minneapolis Star & Tribune, Oct. 3, 1983; submitted by Dean R. Durken, West Saint Paul, Minnesota.]
“Police seek widower after surgeon slained.” [Headline in The Orlando Sentinel, October 5, 1983. Submitted by Alexandra Warden, Maitland, Florida.]
“The fight has just begun,’ he said. `We will continue until infinitum.’ ” [Ronald Browning, president of the Association of Concerned Taxpayers for Quality Education, quoted in the San Bernardino Sun. Submitted by J.B. Lawrence, San Bernardino, California.]
“Fresh hydrophonic Bibb lettuce.” [From an advertising brochure circulated in Columbus, Ohio, August 29, 1983. Submitted by Dorothy Branson, Columbus.]
“Naples City Councilmen on Thursday adopted a … budget … but only after a public hearing in which much rabble was raised….” [From the Naples Daily News, September 16, 1983. Submitted by Lynn G. Lee, Naples, Florida.]
“2 Die in Apparent Murder-Suicide…. The bodies were found by each other in a house on Shamrock Avenue, said Johnny Shelton of the Surry County Emergency Medical Services, and each had been shot in the chest…. Neighbors told investigators that Hawks and Mrs. Jones had been dating since Mrs. Jones’ divorce a year ago, but that, following an argument earlier this week, she had told him to pack his thing and leave.” [From Winston-Salem Journal, October 7, 1983. Submitted by W.D. Sanders, Winston-Salem, North Carolina.]
“A person shall not be treated as suffering from physical disablement such that he is either unable to walk or virtually unable to do so if he is not unable or virtually unable to walk with a prosthesis or an artificial aid which he habitually wears or uses or if he would not be unable or virtually unable to walk if he habitually wore or used a prosthesis or an artificial aid which is suitable in his case.” [From a (U.K.) Department of Health and Social Services explanation regarding mobility allowances for the disabled, as reported in a letter in The Daily Telegraph, 30 October 1983. Submitted by Edward G. Taylor, Tangier, Morocco.]
“NO DUMPING/TRESPASSERS WILL BE VIOLATED” [Photo of a sign published in The Oklahomans magazine, Sunday Oklahoman, April 19, 1981. Submitted by Tom S. Reyenga, Oklahoma City.]
“Patient visits averaged 127.3 per week for the six months ending last March–a drop of -4.3% from …” [From the Journal of the American Medical Association, September 2, 1983. Submitted by Dorothy Branson, Columbus, Ohio.]
“Its smooth, white surface is almost undetectable and it never peals, chips, or cracks.” [From the instruction booklet with Snopake® correction fluid. Submitted by Andrew F. Downey, Atlanta, Georgia.]
“Students will perform scenes in English from Mozart’s `The Magic Flute,’ Rossini’s `Barber of Seville’ and Verdi’s `Flagstaff.’ ” [From The Times-Picayune, New Orleans, January 8, 1984. Submitted by M. M. Kreeger, Metairie, Louisiana.]
“Bryant Gumble here, with Mary Nissenson, who is in her second week while Jane Pauley is on maternity leave.” [From NBC Today, 8 a.m., January 9, 1984. Submitted by Robert J. Powers, Shreveport, Louisiana.]
“ `Hamburgers, pizzas, ice cream and snakes.’ ” [From a 20-foot billboard in South Delhi (India), as reported by Michael Hamlyn in The Times (London), March 5, 1984, p. 26.]
“No talk of `dreary Erie’ for Lou Tullio, a former high school and college football coach who seems to know or have coached about half the population of Erie. Tullio, who dispenses Erie souvenirs to visitors from his office closet, has a contagious enthusiasm for his city and he’s had some luck in passing the virus to federal officeholders.” [From Newsday, Sunday, January 22, 1984. Submitted by Robert Rachlin, Centerport, New York.]
“One out of every child has been sexually abused.” [From the 6 p.m. newscast, September 10, 1983, WCMH-TV, Columbus, Ohio. Submitted by Dorothy Branson, Columbus.]
“TUDORING $4hr, reading, math computers…” [From the Seattle Times, January 18, 1984. Submitted by Caroline Feiss, Seattle, Washington.]
“Many gifts under $10, more under $5” [From a commercial for Swiss Colony cheeses, September 1983, WUAB-TV, Cleveland, Ohio. Submitted by Dorothy Branson, Columbus.]
“Daisy is the dazzling offspring of an emigré aristo playboy (Stacy Keach, miscast) who is variously cheated, neglected, seduced and exploited before finding fame and fortune as the model for a perfume called Elstree.” [From The Sunday Times (London), March 4, 1984, p. 54.]
“Fred and company would create cameras for prison mugshots, for panoramas of entire mountain ranges of girls’ schools, for undistorted shots of the interior of Queen Mary’s dolls’ House…” [From The Sunday Times (London), March 4, 1984, p. 5.]
******(15)
Explaining why a larger area is needed for a new building, “The Salvation Army’s downtown location has simply outgrown its needs.” [From the 6 p.m. newscast by Andy Saenz, KVUE-TV, Austin, June 26, 1984. Submitted by Helen H. Rugeley, Austin, Texas.]
“The Number One benefactor of the education reform project would be the student.” [From comments made by Gib Lewis, Speaker of the House (Texas), KVUE-TV, Austin, several times. Submitted by Helen H. Rugeley, Austin, Texas.]
“When I enter gifted classrooms, I often see posters that admonish children to be polite, kind, or generous. As any preacher or rabbit can tell you, moral messages are better conveyed by subtle stories…” [From Story Art, January, February, March, 1984, page 6. Submitted by Sylvia Khan, North Hollywood, California.]
“Wooden toys for children that last.” [From the headline of a Do It Yourself column in The Miami Herald, May 13, 1984, p. 2H. Submitted by Mrs. Murray M. Kassel, Ft. Lauderdale, Florida.].
One Hand Clapping Dept. “When a hundred tapping feet thunder like one–you’re at 42nd Street.” [From a television commercial for the musical.]
“…the D.C. Story clocks are of such striking quality they’re hard to forget …” [From Cahill & Company Reader’s Catalogue, Spring 1984, p. 18.]
“She is currently with a law office in Oakland, California, which represents plaintiffs in asbestos lawsuits.” [From “About the Author, Media Law, by Katherine M. Galvin, Nolo Press, 1984.]
“SPEED LIMIT/15/WHEN FLASHING” [From a sign outside Santa Fe, New Mexico, schools. Submitted by Reginald Dunstan, Santa Fe, New Mexico.]
“House Approves Missiles With Strings Attached.” [From The New York Times, Sunday, June 3, 1984. Submitted by Raymond Fuoss, Hamden, Connecticut.]
Truth in Advertising: Thomas Baking Company advertises its croissants on TV as being “as French as our English muffins are English.” As all Englishmen (and many visitors to England) know, there is no such thing in England as an “English muffin,” the closest thing being a crumpet, to which the muffin bears only a remote resemblance. Sampling Thomas’s croissants confirms the accuracy of the slogan.
“Training Programs in Child Abuse and Neglect.” [Caption on a brochure from the Children’s Institute International. Submitted by Jean P. MacAllister, Beverly Hills, California.]
“Vineyard Christian Fellowship of River Edge: A body of spirit-filled Christians gathering weekly to worship, teach and meet the needs of each other and the community.” [From an advertisement in the Twin-Boro News, June 13, 1984, p. 41. Submitted by W. Frank Kearney, Bergenfield, New Jersey.]
“The [Senate Banking] Committee’s Democratic members expressed dismay that Miss [Martha] Seger, Michigan’s former commissioner for financial institutions, hasn’t written any articles explaining her views on monetary policy and the economy. Sen. Donald Reigle, a Michigan Democrat, said, “Your views aren’t generally known, and on a matter of such enormity … people need to know.” [From the Wall St. Journal, n.d. Submitted by Arkules & Associates, Paradise Valley, Arizona.].
“No gasoline will be sold to anyone in a glass container.” [From a sign in a gas station window in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Submitted by Veronica Egan, Tesuque, New Mexico.]
“For example, we visit a school that teaches how to pick up girls and a blind carpenter.” [Milwaukee Journal TV-radio critic reporting (February 3, 1981) on what we could learn by watching CBS show “That’s My Line.” Submitted by Reinhold Aman, Waukesha, Wisconsin.]
******(22)
“Movie: `Lifeboat’ Tallulah Bankhead. The commander of a German U-boat joins the survivors of a freighter he sunk in their lifeboat.” [From TV Week, San Francisco Chronicle, June 24-30, 1984. Submitted by Susan Avry, Palo Alto, California.]
“When the birds were hauled up close to the stern, the boy hit them five or six times with a short gaffe…. He said he also saw the boy clubbing two seagulls to death with a long gaffe…” [From the Monterey Peninsula Herald, December 7, 1983, p. 5. Submitted by Hugh Bayless, Carmel, California.]
“[Mr. Bob Calvert] wore an oxygen mask during the 90-minute flight. He and his machine weighed a total of 30 kg.” [From The Times (London), March 9, 1984, p. 2: That’s microlight!]
“–Who wrote, `Edipus Rex?”’ [From Gettysburg (Pa.) Times, January 28, 1984 (in an article entitled `Search for Knowledge…’). Submitted by Donald Marritz, Biglerville, Pennsylvania.]
“And whereas Atget’s work became known to the world at large a few years after his death in 1928 (due mainly to the efforts of Berenice Abbott)…” [From Popular Photography, May 1984, page 35. Submitted by John Stanley, Merced, California.]
“Our nachos are the tostada town.” [From a reader-board outside a restaurant in Albuquerque. Submitted by Veronica Egan, Tesuque, New Mexico.]
“Signs mark the growth–from bustling neighborhood `botanicas’ selling cult supplies to headless chickens left in church pews.” [From The Houston Post, June 9, 1984, p. 11G. Submitted by Betty Dillingham, Houston, Texas.]
“This work [Automobile Liability In surance–The Law in Georgia, by Frank E. Jenkins III] was originally written to help fill the gap in the lack of material available in Georgia on Automobile Liability Insurance. It is still filling that need.” [From a flyer promoting the book, published by The Harrison Company, Norcross, Georgia. Submitted by Philip R. Oordes, Decatur, Georgia.]
“Hospital Disaster Planning Seminar in Room.” [Sign in the lobby of the Baltimore Hilton, December 7, 1982. Submitted by Jeannes S. Wells, Glendora, California.]
“Flaws Outweigh Faults of Modest Pamphlet.” [From Chess Life magazine, August 1983. Submitted by Drew Downey, Washington, D.C.]
“Does your child need help with their education?” [From an ad in the Cincinnati Enquirer September 26, 1983. Submitted by Eleanor S. Leigh, Dearborn, Michigan.]
“A Rapist Is Sought For 12 Brooklyn Attacks.” [From a headline in The New York Times, May 16, 1984. Submitted by George S. Welsh, Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
“Kevin Wade (Playwright) considers his acting career to have begun as an alter boy in Chappaqua, New York, where he grew up.” [From Stagebill, August 1983, for Key Exchange. Submitted by John T. Metcalf, Lake Forest, Illinois.]
“The condition of J. P. Lovette, the world’s youngest heart transplant patient, was upgraded from stable to satisfactory, and the 4-year-old Colorado boy munched cornflakes and peddled a stationary tricycle.” [From The Houston Post, June 14, 1984. Submitted by Graciela S. Daichman, Houston, Texas. Somebody has to pay for the operation.]
“Poles salute underground.” [From a headline in the Chicago Tribune, December 5, 1983, Sec. 1, p. 14. Submitted by Roseanna Mueller, La Grange, Illinois.]
“Visitors in Burlington’s City Hall may be in for a surprise when they want to go to the public bathrooms on the first floor. The bathrooms have been closed to the public during the day because of repeated abuse of them by a small group of vandals. … The bathrooms will be open for public meetings, such as the aldermen, Planning Commission and Finance Board.” [From the Burlington (Vermont) Free Press, March, 1984. Submitted by Alain Guilloton, New York City.]
“Two Santa Barbara divers were trapped underwater when they got stuck in a crack while repairing the submerged face of Exchequer Dam in Mariposa County…. A third diver, Jack Fonner, tied another rope around Rogers, and he was freed by several men pulling on it. A wench on a barge then had to be used to extract Thompson, who was submerged for three hours.” [From the Porterville, Cal., Recorder, May 19, 1984, p. 11. Submitted by Ruth E. Smith, Porterville, California.]
“No Hop Pickers, Travellers or People With Adverse Hairstyles.” [Sign on the door of an inn in Alton, Hampshire. Submitted by Thomas L. Bernard, Springfield, Massachusetts.]
“Once or twice she had ridden the steamboat with Papa to Baltimore and walked among those glittering and swirling crowds holding Papa’s hand and gaping at the wonder of it.” [From Growing Up, by Russell Baker. Submitted by Joe Owens, New Paltz, New York, who comments, “It must’ve been some hand.”]
“ `A Tale of Two Cities,’ 8 p.m., Ch. 7. Chris Sarandon stars in TV version of Victor Hugo’s classic French Revolution romantic adventure.” [From TV Week in The Boston Globe, June 10-16, 1984. Submitted by Robert Sinnott, Norwell, Massachusetts.]
“… Mr. Millhouse will bear the brunt of the failure. In 1979, he bought majority control of the company’s stock, along with his mother.” [The Wall Street Journal, October 11, 1983. Submitted by Pamela Kay Stone, Beaverton, Oregon.]
“Friday night, shots were fired at two officers in Portsmouth, Va., more than 100 miles away….” [From the Los Angeles Times, June 2, 1984, Part 1,3. Submitted by Lani Oliveira, Whittier, California.]
******17
“The !Kung, who use no modern forms of contraception and have no fertility-regulating practices such as late marriage, taboo on intercourse during lactation or infanticide, have an average completed family size of 4.7 children.” [From Scientific American, April 1984. Submitted by F. Eugene Davis IV, Stamford, Connecticut.]
“He rode his horse across Highway 12 and up and down the sidewalk in front of Fat Albert’s (saloon) a good half hour before deputies arrived, shouting obscenities and being obnoxious.” [Testimony to a jury, quoted in The Santa Barbara News-Press, 16 March 1984. Submitted by Elizabeth G. Christensen, Lompoc, California.]
“We have passed a great gauntlet.” [A quote from Frederick W. Mielke Jr., chairman and chief executive officer of PG&E, appearing in The Los Angeles Times, n.d. Submitted by Jean P. MacAllister, Beverly Hills, California.]
“Eventually, you reach a stage in life where you don’t have to wear the same shoes everybody else does.” [Ad for Bostonian shoes in The Wall Street Journal, 13 November 1984. Submitted by John F. Sakz, Ross, California.]
“We are a plethora of racing information.” [From a 6 p.m. newscast by Gary Radnich, WBNS-TV, Columbus, 8 June 1984. Submitted by Dorothy Branson, Columbus, Ohio.]
“Now for 24 hours a day, I can sleep, swim and be completely active!” [An ad for hair replacement, from The New York Times 19 August 1984. Submitted by Rosemary Darmstadt, Glendale, New York.]
“Lady Diana, expecting her second child in about a month …” [From the Boston Globe, 22 August 1984. Submitted by Franklin Rodman, Brookline, Massachusetts.]
“Library prefers `indented’ children.” [Caption on library bookmarks promoting “Ident-a-Kid” program. From The Columbus Dispatch, 29 August 1984. Submitted by Dorothy Branson, Columbus, Ohio.]
“…the new French dictionary being produced in France with the aid of some 1,700 computerized French texts dating back to the 17th century.” [From an article by Colin Campbell in The New York Times, reprinted in The International Herald Tribune, n.d. Submitted by Frank Abate, Old Saybrook, Connecticut.]
“The 47-year-old Governor has received nationwide attention since she was elected Kentucky’s first governor who was a woman last November.” [From an article in The New York Times, 20 May 1984. Submitted by Doris Whalen, Kentfield, California.]
“…The office they gave me was filthy. I had to clean it with my secretary.” [From an interview with an ousted justice, in the Detroit Free Press, 27 September 1984. Submitted by Rudy Simons, Oak Park, Michigan.]
“If Oscar Mayer were alive today, he would turn over in his grave!” [Complaint by a worker about wage cuts by the present management of the Oscar Mayer sausage factory in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. WTMJ-TV, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, 5 p.m. news, Sept. 10, 1984. Submitted by Reinhold Aman, Waukesha, Wisconsin.]
“3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experienced preferred.” [From The DeLand-Sun News, 23 August 1984. Submitted by Richard E. Langford, DeLand, Florida.]
“No one can really know which side of the fence McKinnon is straddling.” [From The West Palm Beach Post, 9 June 1984. Submitted by J. B. Lawrence, San Bernardino, California.]
“Man held in fire at his psychotherapist’s home.” [Headline from The Los Angeles Times, 8 January 1982. Submitted by Neill D. Hicks, North Hollywood, California.]
“A landlord argued before the Supreme Court Thursday that he had a vested right to a condom conversion before the Santa Monica rent control law passed.” [From the Los Angeles Daily Journal, 27 December 1983. Submitted by Eduardo Rodriguez, Los Angeles, California.]
“Weaver said throughout the changes of ownership, the inn has managed to retain the original architecture, Italian Eight.” [From The Orlando Sentinel, 25 January 1984. Submitted by Adelaide A. Orton, Winter Park, Florida.]
******(15)
“Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.” [From the swop section, Yankee, December 1984. Submitted by Cynthia King, Morgan Hill, California.]
“The carcass of a pregnant cow was found at a residence near Plain City with the unborn calf laying alongside.” [From an article in The Columbia Citizen-Journal, December 29, 1984. Submitted by Joseph B. Grigsby, Marysville, Ohio.]
“Every Little Breeze Seems to Whisper Lues.” [Popular song during French epidemic of English disease. Or was it the English epidemic of the French disease?]
“The company will release its first how-to videos, which will give step-by-step instructions for making a desk draw.” [From The Boston Globe, 16 November 1984. Submitted by Judi Chamberlin, Somerville, Massachusetts.]
“Stouffer’s–as good as can be.” [From a TV commercial, November 1984.]
“Ladies of the North Park Presbyterian church held their annual luncheon and fashion show at the Park Lane Restaurant last week, and members of the church showed off some extraordinary hats, dresses and purses from a more gentile era.” [From The Buffalo Rocket, 23 May 1984. Submitted by Joan Murray, Buffalo, New York.]
“Outside, cats can fight, catch diseased rodents or birds, lose their lives at the wheels of an automobile, or be picked up…” [From Cat Care, a pamphlet of the American Humane Education Society. Submitted by Dennis Wepman, Bronx, New York, who isn’t worried about his own cat because it doesn’t have a driver’s license.]
“Curt was born originally in Oklahoma.” [From a CBS sports cast. Submitted by Ed Dell, Peterborough, New Hampshire.]
“Much of Smokenders’ business comes from corporate accounts with an interest in getting as many of their employees as possible to quit.” [From The Citizen, San Dieguito, California. Submitted by Lynn Garland, .]
“The infiltration of the wretched croissant (among other things) is largely to blame for the rapid deterioration in our moral behaviour.” [From a letter to the editor of The Sunday Telegraph, London, England, 21 October 1984. Submitted by Reginald Dunstan, New Mexico.]
“It’s a perfect gift for someone who loves to entertain (and who doesn’t).” [From a grocery advertisement, Finast stores, 2 December 1984.]
“The round, black cylinder that the type hits (on a typewriter) needs to be replaced. It’s called the platinum… can cost $50.” [From Antique Answers, The Sunday Boston Herald, November 4, 1984. Submitted by Mary Louise Gilman, Hanover, Massachusetts.]
“I knew what my goal was when I saw Lauren Bacall touring in a play in Buffalo. To be an actress like that–well, to me that was the penultimate!” [Actress Christine Baranski (Tony Award winner) interviewed by Jack O’Brian on Critic’s Circle, WOR, May 29, 1984. Submitted by Alma Denny, New York City.]
“Carney says goodbye to two employees. Edith Clark, delinquent account clerk of fiscal services who has served Carney for 16 years…” [From the house organ of Carney Hospital, Boston, Massachusetts. Submitted by Adam G.N. Moore, M.D., Squantum, Massachusetts.]
“Stop when flashing.” [A sign at 14th and Castro Streets in San Francisco. Submitted by Hildegarde Braun, San Francisco.]
******(15)
“Rather than hitting people on fixed incomes, the elderly-poor people, period, we took a look at some scared cows.” [From a report on a special session of the Texas legislature in The Weatherford Democrat, 11 July 1984. Submitted by Charles Cope, Weatherford, Texas.]
“After the data is collected, city archaeologists and volunteers will decide which houses are best preserved to warrant a more excruciating examination.” [From The Alexandria Gazette, 6 March 1984. Submitted by Nancy R. Keith, Alexandria, Virginia.]
“The president of the Chicago Federation of Labor was critically ill at Loyola University Medical Center in Maywood after surgery last week to remove a brain.” [From New North News, 19 May 1984. Submitted by Daniel F. Roberts, Chicago, Illinois.]
“Jets quarterback Ken O’Brien was acquitted of similar charges arising out of a bruising melee by the jury.” [From the New York Post, 13 September 1984. Submitted by Carol Ann Hilton, Staten Island, New York.]
“Special retreat for those who have just experienced the loss of a loved one at Rye Beach on June 15-17.” [Item in a parish news bulletin in Nashua, New Hampshire. Submitted by Ralph Kelley, Hudson, New Hampshire.]
“We want to provide them [visitors] with the information which will allow them to make informed decisions on where to go, so they don’t go.” [The warden of the Dorset Heritage Coast, quoted in Out of Town, May 1984. Submitted by Elizabeth Watters, Beaconsfield, Quebec.]
“Out of our minds. Into your hands.” [Slogan from a TV ad for Quasar home entertainment products. Submitted by Frank Abate, Old Saybrook, Connecticut.].
“Man trying to get kite electrocuted.” [Headline in the Tampa Tribune, 2 September 1984. Submitted by Billy Finch, Tampa, Florida.]
“A 10 week Beginners Quitting course.” [An offering of the Cyrville Community Centre, appearing in The Banar n.d. Submitted by I.G. Brossley, Gloucester, Ontario, Canada.]
“The Cherokee Nation’s main push is health prevention and health promotion.” [A quote from the newly appointed director of Health and Human Services, appearing in Cherokee Advocate, March 1984. Submitted by Richard Mayo, Sallisaw, Oklahoma.]
“Five persons presumed drowned off the California coast by the Coast Guard after their boat broke up in the area of a treacherous shoal.” [From the Springfield, Mass. Morning Union, 16 March 1984. Submitted by Ronald R. Jay, Springfield, Massachusetts.]
“The settlement to get the Solvang cityhood proposal on the November ballot almost fell apart Thursday, but the inertia generated by months of tough negotiation was enough for another unanimous vote.” [From The Lompoc Record, 20 April 1984. Submitted by Arthur G. Heinrich, Lompoc, California.]
“The bar will be moved to the back of the room, allowing even greater visibility of The Pubic Garden.” [From The Newsletter of the Ritz-Carlton, Boston, Massachusetts, Winter 1985. Submitted by Cornelius Van S. Roosevelt, Washington, D.C.]
“Roofs were collapsing everywhere. The cries of the dead and the dying filled the air.” [From a description of the destruction of Pompeii in Lost Cities and Vanished Civilizations by Robert Silverberg, page 13. Submitted by George Johnson, Wausau, Wisconsin.]
“Infant seats pose nutritional problems.” [Headline from Tufts University Diet & Nutrition Letter, Vol. 1, No. 10. Submitted by Laurence T. May, Jr., Cambridge, Massachusetts.]
******(22)
“Tongue T ied by Lost for Words out of Verbatim.” [A horse with his lineage, listed on a racing program at Belmont Race Track, Elmont, New York. Submitted by L. Phillips, New York City.]
“Malpractice Made Easy.” [Title of a book advertised in Legal Aspects of Medical Practice, November 1981. Submitted by Dr. V. P. Collins, Houston.]
“The mountain is named for the Rev. Starr King, who was an invertebrate climber.” [From The Boston Globe, 25 June 1984. Submitted by B. Goldstein, New Center, Massachusetts.]
“The manuscript has now become priceless,” a Harvard spokesman said, although it is not in Johann Sebastian Bach’s handwriting, which would have made it even more valuable. [From an article in The Washington Post, 19 December 1984. Submitted by Ivan R. Schwab, Morgantown, West Virginia.]
“Regardless of anything to the contrary in this booklet, if your medical insurance terminates for any reason including death, you…may elect within 30 days…to continue such medical insurance…” [From Group Insurance for 1-14 Employees, Consolidated Group Trust, The Hartford, p. 70.]
“Hot Cod Pieces are Perfect for Little Soldiers.” [Headline in The Australian, March 27, 1985. Submitted by Dr. H. H. Macey, Floreat Park, Western Australia.]
“Eugene Klein, who owns the colt along with his wife, …” [From the Columbus Dispatch, May 19, 1985. Submitted by Dorothy Branson, Columbus, Ohio.]
“Gorbachev Tows Communist Line.” [Headline in The Anchorage Times, March 13, 1985. Submitted by DeLynne Chambers, Anchorage.]
“…Furniture Company’s seventy-fifth Diamond Anniversary.” [From an advertisement on radio station WGAY, Arlington, Virginia. Submitted by Charles T. Reyner, Arlington.]
“Sarasate had the fastest fingers ever to set foot on stage.” [From “St. Paul Sunday morning,” MPBN, May 12, 1985. Submitted by Charles Bolté, Dresden, Maine.]
“A modern-dress version of the virgin birth is inconceivable.” [From MPBN News, May 10, 1985. Submitted by Charles Bolté, Dresden, Maine.]
“If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Père Lachaise Cemetery. It…boasts such immortals as Molière, Jean de la Fontaine, and Chopin!” [From a travel agency brochure. Submitted by Warren L. Felton, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.]
Among the titles listed by Pocket Books as out of print as of 9/20/84 in Publishers Weekly, June 22, 1984, p. 114, is Words Most Often Misspelled & Misspronounced.
“ `[Eckhard Schmitz] has just totally disappeared,’ said Larry Tankersly, chief investigator for the district attorney’s office.” [From the San Francisco Chronicle, June 9, 1984. Submitted by N.M. McGee, Daly City, California.]
“It all depends on the rappaport you have with your doctor.” [From the Donahue Show, NBC, June 4, 1984. Submitted by Alma Denny, New York City.]
“As a member of AAA East Florida, you are currently covered…under Group Policy No. AAA 00119. Benefits… include assistance with expenses incurred for the following services: Hospital room and board, Hospital services, including laboratory fees…cats and splints…” [From a mailing piece distributed by AAA-Medical Expense Rider, Miami, Florida. Submitted by Dr. Roy Graves, Winter Park, Florida.]
“Remington bronze `Coming thru the Rye,’ P.J. Mene bronze soldier with brace of five dogs. Dated 1860. Box—, Pebble Beach—.” [From a classified advertisement in the Monterey Penninsula Herald, July 5, 1984. Submitted by Clifford L. Wolf, Pacific Grove, California.]
“Your safety and the security of your personal property are of the upmost concern to those of us who welcome you as our guest.” [From a card in the rooms at the Holiday Inn, Dublin, Georgia. Submitted by Jennifer J. Goode, Atlanta, Georgia.]
“Antony wondered what exactly he had done when he had joined the household on his father’s death at the age of 13.” [From The Bloody Book of Law, p. 24, by Sara Woods. Submitted by Si Goodwin, Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts.]
“We’ve been buried before, but we’ve never had dirt thrown in our faces.” [Coach Riley of the Philadelphia Lakers, as quoted in the Los Angeles Times, May 28, 1985. Submitted by Jean MacAllister, Beverly Hills.]
“…send black and white prints…related to cruising in a stiffened envelope to…” [From the Cruising Association Bulletin (U.K.), September 1984. Submitted by Vaughan Meyrick, Welwyn Garden City, England.]
“Sex abuse leaves parents groping.” [Headline in The Morning Call, Allentown, Pennsylvania, May 21, 1985. Submitted by Alvin J. Olsen, Zionsville, Pennsylvania.]
******(1)
“The Illerate But Arrogant American.” [Headline for Sylvia Porter’s column in The Warren Times Observer, Warren, Pennsylvania, May 17, 1985. Submitted by Bill Hill, Warren.]
******(13)
“ `Easy writing makes curst hard reading,’ said Alexander Pope.” –Martin F. Nolan (in Washington Journalism Review, December 1984, p. 52).
“ `Easy writing,’ Hemingway once said, `makes hard reading.’ ” –Glen Evans (in The Complete Guide to Writing Non-Fiction, Writer’s Digest Books, 1983, p. 25).
“Easy writing’s curst hard reading.” –Attributed to Richard Brinsley Sheridan by the Oxford Book of Quotations, 1944.
“ `Easy writing,’ said Sheridan, `is sometimes d—-d hard reading.’ ” –Thomas Carlyle (in Memoirs of the Life of Sir Walter Scott, London and Westminster Review, 1837).
“Easy writing’s vile hard reading.” –Richard Brinsley Sheridan (in Clio’s Protest, 1795). [Submitted by H. Wendell Smith, Canyon Lake, Calif.]
“… the golden bowl … is surrounded by the figurines of Faith, Hipe and Charity …” [From The Times, July 4, 1985, p.l.]
“We will oil your sewing machine and adjust the tension in your home for $1.00.” [Heard on Radio KBOR in Brownsville, Texas on June 5, 1985. Submitted by Max R. Tyner, McAllen, Texas.]
“Our manager was held hostage at gun point for six hours in a police auction.” [From the May 31, 1985 issue of Sh’ma. Submitted by Claire Lee, Cincinnati.]
“This past June an unidentified local priest was barred from a state prison when he tried to lead a celebration of [the] Mass with a small vile of red wine.” [From Institutions, Etc. November, 1984, Vol. 7, No. 11. Submitted by Judi Chamberlin, Somerville, Massachusetts.]
“Descending on the Seljestad side, the bus will make a short stop at the Latefoss waterfall, tumbling down the mountainside in a double avalanche and gently spraying the road.” [From Fodor’s Scandinavia, 1984, p. 315. Submitted by Steve Bonner of Rockville, Maryland, who thought this quite a tourist trap!]
“Smallest microcassette records memos from your tie.” [From The Sharper Image catalogue, Fall 1984. Submitted by C. Steven Short, Los Angeles, California, who shrugs, “Frankly, I’ve never received a memo from one of my ties that was worth recording!”]
“The committee’s goal is to collect $52 million by 1990, the 100th centennial of the founding of Yosemite National Park….” [From the Daily News, Van Nuys, California. Submitted by Otis H. Wade, Los Angeles.]
he grizzly discovery [a dismembered body] was made…. A civilian witnes opened the suitcase and saw the upper torso of a man’s body.” [From the Evening Out-look, Santa Monica, California. Submitted by Merrill Sarty, Rancho Park, California.]
******(6)
“It means that corporal punishment for student misbehavior is as obsolete as disembowelment for murder used to be.” [From The Philadelphia Inquirer, May 11, 1985. Submitted by Douglas E. Chaffin, Ocean City, New Jersey.]
“Consent to Medical Treatment by the Mentally Ill.” [Headline in The Lancet, February 9, 1985. Submitted by Dr. Eugene G. Laforet, Newton Lower Falls, Massachusetts.]
“The Via Dola Rosa, the pathway Jesus trod to his crucifixion…. [From an article in The Gettysburg Times, March 21, 1985. Submitted by Donald Marritz, Biglerville, Pennsylvania.]
“Dedication and commencement of Ecumenical Stud Groups on the theme `Growing Together.’ ” [From a church newsletter, Greater Manchester, England. Submitted by John Ferguson, Birmingham.]
“This time she was in the audience; Berlioz, contemporary accounts declare, was at the drums, and every time their eyes met he beat them with re-doubled fury.” [From program notes, City of Birmingham (England) Symphony Orchestra, 14 March 1985. Submitted by John Ferguson, Birmingham.]
“It isn’t going to be any one person’s park…I think dogs are wonderful. But they’ve got to be kept on leashes, like everyone else.” [From an interview in the Los Angeles Times, March 1, 1985. Submitted by Pamela Jones, Sepulveda, California.]
******(11)
“J. McG–, a former trooper with the Household Cavalry,… admitted stealing a ceremonial state helmet valued at £1500 from Knightsbridge Barracks and dishonestly handling its chinstrap and rosettes….” [From The Times, 31 May 1985, p. 3.]
“Consent to Medical Treatment by the Mentally Ill.” [Headline in The Lancet, February 9, 1985. Submitted by Dr. Eugene G. Laforet, Newton Lower Falls, Massachusetts.]
“Pau Vergó’s St. Anthony of Padua, c1495, features tempura and tooled gold on wood.” [From TWA Ambassador, April 1985. Submitted by Bernard and Masha Schweitzer, Los Angeles.]
“…the golden bowl… is surrounded by the figurines of Faith, Hipe and Charity…” [From The Times, July 4, 1985, p.1.]
“We will oil your sewing machine and adjust the tension in your home for $1.00.” [Heard on Radio KBOR in Brownsville, Texas on June 5, 1985. Submitted by Max R. Tyner, McAllen, Texas.]
“This time she was in the audience; Berlioz, contemporary accounts declare, was at the drums, and every time their eyes met he beat them with re-doubled fury.” [From program notes, City of Birmingham (England) Symphony Orchestra, 14 March 1985. Submitted by John Ferguson, Birmingham.]
“Bird-watching chart/map… poster of tips for attracting birds with migration map on back side.” [From the National Geographic 1985 Publications Catalog. Submitted by Jane Walsh, Berkeley, California.]
“It isn’t going to be any one person’s park…. I think dogs are wonderful. But they’ve got to be kept on leashes, like everyone else.” [From an interview in the Los Angeles Times, March 1, 1985. Submitted by Pamela Jones, Sepulveda, California.]
“Nationally reknown literary counsultant…. There Is No Substitute for Excellence.” [From Children, Naturally, Spring 1985, front page. Submitted by Alexandra Urdang, New York City.]
“Our manager was held hostage at gun point for six hours in a police auction.” [From the May 31, 1985 issue of Sh’ma. Submitted by Claire Lee, Cincinnati, Ohio.]
“Any person with information on residents of the Union cemetery… [From the Genealogical Helper, May-June 1984. Submitted by Dorothy Branson, Columbus, Ohio.]
******(11)
“Osborne chased it around the back of the net, dug the puck off the sideboards and fired a pass to Poddubny, who beat Buffalo goaltender Tom Barrasso between the legs.” [From an AP story in the Danbury News-Times, November 13, 1986. Submitted by Ed Rosenberg, Danbury, Connecticut. Anyone would be a tender goalie after that. Did Barrasso get his surname from playing without his pants?]
“Dedication and commencement of Ecumenical Stud Groups on the theme `Growing Together.’ ” [From a church newsletter, Greater Manchester, England. Submitted by John Ferguson, Birmingham.]
“This past June an unidentified local priest was barred from a state prison when he tried to lead a celebration of [the] Mass with a small vile of red wine.” [From Institutions, Etc. November, 1984, Vol. 7, No. 11. Submitted by Judi Chamberlin, Somerville, Massachusetts.]
“As a homeowner, you know the value of your trees and shrubs in terms of atheistics and monetary replacement costs.” [A letter from a tree service company. Submitted by Henry C. Maguire, Killingworth, Connecticut.]
“See where the Pilgrims landed by bus.” [Billboard along the Mass. Pike near Boston. Submitted by Larry Ockene, Newtonville, Massachusetts.]
“Make Your Homecoming a Memorial One.” [From an ad in the Dakota State College (SD) Eastern. Submitted by Jim Swanson, Madison, South Dakota.]
“Indeed, the Fifth of Shostakovich dwarfed Beethoven the way that composer’s Erotica dwarfed the symphonies of the Classical era.” [From the Upper Arlington News, Columbus, Ohio, March 27, 1985. Submitted by Peter L. Jepsen, Columbus.]
“Flaunting means to exhibit ostentatiously, to show off. But flounting, of course, means to show contempt for, scoff at.” [From Reading in Virginia, Winter 1984, published by the Virginia State Reading Association, .]
“Mako … Because these species not only survive, but flourish in the sea, we can look forward to a steady supply as public acceptance continues to grow.
“Coho Salmon … One of nature’s most delectable foods, we buy fresh farm-raised fillets from the cold water of Puget Sound, Washington.” [From the menu of Phillips Harborplace, Baltimore. Submitted by Alice V. Farley, Baltimore.]
“Can’t tell who from whom?… Help is available from the Purdue University grammar hotline … “We get a lot of business writing calls and how to deal with a salutation when you don’t know who you’re writing to,’ [Bob] Child [assistant to the writing lab director] said.” [From the New Haven Register, November 9, 1986, AP syndicated story by Diane M. Balk. Submitted by Dennis G. Jarry, New Haven, Connecticut.]
******(5)
“ `[Eckhard Schmitz] has just totally disappeared,’ said Larry Tankersly, chief investigator for the district attorney’s office.” [From the San Francisco Chronicle, June 9, 1984. Submitted by N.M. McGee, Daly City, California.]
“After the jury convicted a rapist in circuit court last week, Judge Ted Coleman sentenced him to prison `for the rest of your natural life with credit for the 3 days already served.’ ” [From Column World, by Bob Morris, in The Orlando Sentinel, November 19, 1986. Submitted by Richard E. Langford, Deland, Florida.]
“Needed–experienced carpenters … truck and tools required but not mandatory.” [Employment ad in The Enterprise. Submitted by Jerome Foster, Falmouth, Massachusetts.]
“We can’t make good grammar great. But we want to make flawed writing acceptable.” [Lance A. Miller, in the Wall Street Journal, September 29, 1983. Submitted by Robert O. Vaughn, West New York, New Jersey.]
“The Illerate But Arrogant American.” [Headline for Sylvia Porter’s column in The Warren Times Observer, Warren, Pennsylvania, May 17, 1985. Submitted by Bill Hill, Warren.]
******(4)
“Berliner Park is the biggest park of its size in Central Ohio.” [From the 6 p.m. newscast on 21 October 1984, Channel 6 TV, Columbus, Ohio. Submitted by Dorothy Branson, Columbus, Ohio.]
“If you don’t know who your roommate is going to be, write to them and find out what they’re bringing.” [From an article on how to furnish your college dorm, The Indianapolis Star, 22 September 1984. Submitted by Robert E. Koontz, Muncie, Indiana.]
“Pronounced dead in 1976 accident, boy, 12 leads healthy, active life.” [Headline from an item in The Hartford courant, November 10, 1983. Submitted by Frank Abate, Old Saybrook, Connecticut.]
“Two of my descendants came over on the Mayflower in 1620.” [From a correspondent to Percy Ross’s column, The Columbus Dispatch, 9 September 1984. Submitted by Dorothy Branson, Columbus, Ohio.]
******(12)
“Last year, 4 million people who wanted to go someplace else flew to Copenhagen.” [Full page ad for Scandinavian Airlines in Atlantic BusinessJanuary/February 1985. Submitted by Murray and Jean Kinloch, Fredericton, New Brunswick, who think SAS should have a word with their chief navigator.]
“In South African politics the lunatic fringe is close to the center.” [Anthony Heard, editor of the Cape Times (Capetown, S.A.), in an interview with Alfred Balk, publisher, World Press Review, from World Press Review, July, 1986, p. 23. Submitted by Gordon B. Thompson, Etobicoke, Ontario.]
“All around the room are an exotic variety of very real pot plants. … She [Chief Justice Rose Elizabeth Bird of California] has never been married and until recent death threats lived with her mother.” [From The Sunday Times (London), October 5, 1986, p. 49.]
“It is not often that one tries to help his fellow man/woman and is bitten by the hand that feeds him….” [From a letter in the Syracuse Herald-Journal, July 31, 1985. Submitted by John S. Hogg, Hamilton, New York.]
“In an essay answer on a Lit. exam, an Annapolis cadet wrote, `… Sancho Panza always rode on a burrow.’ The instructor deducted for this, with the explanation, `A burro is an ass. A burrow is a hole in the ground. As a future naval officer, you are expected to know the difference.’ ” [From a supposedly true story on an electronic bulletin board. Submitted by Dana Richards, Charlottesville, Virginia.]
“I came within a hare’s breath of running for Congress. … ” [From an interview in the Beaumont Enterprise, March 25, 1985. Submitted by Winfred S. Emmons, Beaumont, Texas.]
“Diet of Primitive People Found Beneficial in Rats.” [Heading in an article in The Chronicle of Higher Education-Scholarship, 13 February 1985. Submitted by Randy Alfred, San Francisco, California.]
“Another of the [robins] was seen Thursday by Margaret Leffel eating crabapples in the backyard of her home on County Farm Road.” [From The Daily News, Greenville, Michigan. Submitted by Lloyd E. Walker, Greenville.]
“Sir, Some time ago displayed outside St. Paul’s Church, Summer Place, London, SW7 was a large poster announcing `Christ is coming,’ and on the railings a notice saying: `Please do not obstruct these gates.’ ” [From The Times, October 26, 1983: a letter to the editor from Mr. Robert Buhler, RA, Chelsea, London.]
“After a special screening of the movie, it encouraged an anti-abortion campaign to distribute hundreds of copies of the film to every senator, representative, and Supreme Court justice.” [From Newsweek, 25 February 1985. Submitted by Steve Short, Los Angeles, California.]
“These are not the habits of a president who would wield the line-item veto pen mercilously.” [From The San Bernardino Sun, 1 February 1985. Submitted by J.B. Lawrence, San Bernardino, California.]
“Now his golf balls are displayed on placks along the walls of his basement.” [From an Ohio AP wire, January 1984. Submitted by Randy Alfred, San Francisco, California.]
******(8)
“Corn Borer Levels Building.” [Headline in the Sheboygan Press, early July 1987. Submitted by Rodger L. Holton, Newark, Delaware.]
Sign spotted in a Chelsea restaurant: “Plat du jour, changed each day.” From The Times [London] Diary, 25 February 1987.
“But opponents of the road insist that the planned extension will bring even more traffic into the area, as well as destroy the parkland habitat of wild creatures bellybuttons such as pileated woodpeckers and red-shouldered hawks.” [The Potomac Almanac, Potomac, Maryland, early December 1987. Submitted by Cornelius Van S. Roosevelt, Washington, D.C.]
“…the situation is likely to deteriorate if nothing is done quickly.” [From an article by Kirk Makin, The Globe and Mail, Winnipeg, 11 November 1987. Submitted by Charles C. Bigelow, Winnipeg.]
“Iranian interpreter Wahid Gordji… is wanted for questioning in some bombings by French police.” [Caption under a photograph in the Chicago Tribune, 27 July 1987. Submitted by Robert N. Feinstein, Downers Grove, Illinois.]
“Millions of others were rehabilitated posthumously.” [From an article about Russia by Barry Schweid in The Patriot Ledger, Quincy, Massachusetts, 14 February 1987. Submitted by Dr. Adam G. N. Moore, Boston.]
“Coin–$10 gold embezzled.” [Classified advertisement in the Orlando Sentinel, 21 December 1987. Submitted by Paul Pink, Orlando, Florida.]
“Fetus taken from womb to perform surgery.” [Headline in Petoskey (Michigan) News-Review, 7 October 1986. Submitted by David L. Miles, Charlevoix, Michigan.]
******(17)
“I hope the committee recognizes ad homonym [personalized] arguments are the weakest kind of arguments….” [John Banzhaf, as quoted in Smoking and Health Review, August 1986. Submitted by John Biddle Lawrence, San Bernardino, California.]
“We serve a classic Tuscan meal that includes a Florentine terrine made with dick and chicken livers….” [Sirio Maccioni as quoted in the New York Post, 29 December 1986. Submitted by Frank R. Abate, Old Saybrook, Connecticut.]
“By the year 2000…Let’s Overcome Literacy.” [A message to businessmen from the Pasco County (Fla.) school district, quoted in The Orlando Sentinel, 22 October 1987. Submitted by Richard E. Langford, DeLand, Florida.]
“Stiff Prices at Auction of Erotic Art.” [Headline in the New York Post, 10 December 1987. Submitted by John B. Rockwell, New York City.]
“June has privy to what’s going on today in sex research.” [Sally Jessy Raphael introducing Dr. June Reinisch on ABC-TV, 18 July 1986. Submitted by Alma Denny, New York City.]
“Can we not reverse the approbation in which lawyers are held by the public today?” [From a column by John R. Tomlinson in the Spring 1987 issue of Litigation News, published by the American Bar Association, Chicago. Submitted by Kate Ankeny, Phoenix, Arizona.]
“…characteristics of secular humanism are:… Defication of humankind as supreme.” [From SLATE (Support for the Learning and Teaching of English), July 1987, published by the National Council of Teachers of English. Submitted by Eugene V. Moran, Laramie, Wyoming.]
“Afterwards, the Bishop walked among the crowds, eating their picnic lunches.” [From the Southwark (England) News, July 1987. Submitted by John Ferguson, Birmingham.]
“This is absolutely putting the horse before the cart.” [Alexander Haig on ABC News, 27 November 1987. Submitted by Dr. Hugo G. Rodeck, Northglenn, Colorado.]
“The hospital counsels the women… to have a tubal litigation.” [From St. Petersburg Times (n.d.). Submitted by Judy Wall, St. Petersburg, Florida.]
“In court, a prime CBS objective will be to refute characterizations of Adams by Westmoreland’s witnesses as a rouge elephant within the CIA.” [From The Philadelphia Inquirer, 14 January 1985. Submitted by Douglas E. Chaffin, Ocean City, New Jersey.]
“John James Audubon led an extraordinary life and enjoyed making cryptic comments about rumors that he was, in fact, the Lost Dolphin.” [From an exhibition catalog, Florida Painters: Past and Present, produced by the St. Petersburg Historical Society, 30 November 1984-3 February 1985. Submitted by Lynne Brown and Beverley Knight, St. Petersburg, Florida.]
“How to protect your neighborhood against crime and Jennifer Beals, star of `The Bride.’ Live at Five.” [From a tease on CBS-TV (New York), 11 August 1985. Submitted by Robert Sherman Corwin, New York City.]
“We’re going to need community cooperation so we can strive for parody. If you use it, you pay for it.” [From an article by Charles Moore, Albuquerque Journal, February 1987. Submitted by James C. Williams, Arlington, Texas.]
“An owner of a Greenwich Village barbershop survived being shot in the neck as he slept by a gunman who broke into his house….” [From The New York Times, 10 September 1987. Submitted by John S. Hogg, Hamilton, New York.]
“A crowd of only 22,449, including 7,613 no-shows, watched as the Cardinals broke a three-game losing streak.” [Newsday, 9 November 1987. Submitted by Benjamin M. Steiner, Flushing, New York.]
“Last weekend, the Welcome Society, composed of original Penn colony settlers, held its annual meeting….” [The Philadelphia Inquirer, 1 November 1987. Submitted by Judy Tucker, Elkins Park, Pennsylvania.]
******(9)
“Punch Ross to Stop Child Abuse.” [Campaign poster for Anna Mae Ross, Miami, Florida. Submitted by Jessica S. Kalish, Miami.]
“By the most conservative estimates, the church’s property in the Bay Area is worth uncountable millions.” [From the San Francisco Examiner, 30 August 1987. Submitted by Richard M. Harnett, South San Francisco.]
“…the lecture was heavy with the importance of dream state, pulse and heart rate, vaginal tumescence and temperature change, rapid eye movement and the size and frequency of penal erection.” [From Playing After Dark by Barbara L. Ascher, Doubleday, 1986. Submitted by Richard C. Casey, Darien, Connecticut.]
“As a mother of an 18-month-old daughter with an M.A. in education who has decided to stay home to raise my child (a difficult and soul-wrenching decision), I resent the characterizsation of the full-time mother as one who is occupied with `laundry, shopping, preparing dinner,’ to the exclusion of one-to-one contact with my child.” [From a Letter to the Editor of The Toronto Star, 16 July 1988, which asserts its right “to edit all contributions.” Submitted by Maria Erskine, Pickering, Ontario.]
“Elena Nikolaidi Gives Distinguished Rectal.” [Headline above a review of a song recital in the Louisvile, Kentucky Courier-Journal, quoted in Medical Economics, 5 December 1960. Submitted by Alma Denny, New York City.]
“Condo living, the spread of AIDS through prostitutes and veterinary surgery.” [From a schedule of TV interviews in the Miami Herald, 4 February 1987. Submitted by Edward T. Howard, Delary Beach, Florida.]
“Suicide won’t oure shyness problems.” [Headline over Beth Winship’s teen-advice column, Morning Union, Springfield, (Massachusetts), 9 January 1987. Submitted by Mrs. John E. Mann, Longmeadow, Massachusetts.]
“On Modern Marriage’ is a very badly written essay …and the reader wants to shout, Martial your thoughts!” [From a review by Carolyn See of Modern Marriage… by Isak Dineson, in the Los Angeles Times, January 5, 1987, Part V, p. 4. Submitted by W.O. Frick, M.D. Pasadena.]
“I do not need a spelling checker, but I have found it extremeely useful… “[From an article by Laurence Urdang in VERBATIM, XV,1. Submitted by Peggy Riley, Livermore, California, et al.]
******(4)
“Turning a corner of the Mazza Gallerie into a women’s tennis store, I was startled to see … hordes of giggling high school girls … ” [From an article by Dorothy Gilliam in the Washington Post, 3 August 1987. Submitted by Cornelius Van S. Roosevelt, Washington, D.C.]
“Faculty protest against apartheid at Cornell.” [TV news tease, WHEC, Rochester, November 1986. Submitted by Robert R. Dwelley, Rochester, New York.]
“[the tenor] brings the opera to its climax in his final suicide.” [From a review of Handel’s Tamerlano in the July 1987 issue of Stereo Review. Submitted by David L. Miles, Charlevoix, Michigan.]
“…the party consisted of Beckett, Dame Peggy Ashcroft, Harold Pinter, and the late Alan Webb.” [from The Times Diary, 12 May 1988, Simon Callow., ]
******(19)
“Serious crime down, but murders increase.” [From the Rocky Mountain News, Denver, Colorado, 11 May 1988. Submitted by Jeff Lovill, Westminster, Colorado.]
“We consider pornography to be a public problem, and we feel it is an issue that demands a second look.” [From a speech by President Ronald Reagan on 21 May 1984. Submitted by John Paul Arnerich, Los Angeles.]
“Mereu stayed with 50 of Angius’ 400 sheep, dressed in dirty and ragged canvas clothing and shoes with holes.” [The Des Moines Sunday Register, 6 December 1987. Submitted by Margo Heilman, Des Moines, Iowa.]
“Robert Dole is way ahead, followed closely by his wife, Elizabeth Dole.” [Heard on WEEI-AM, Boston, Massachusetts, on 13 July 1988. Submitted by Ginny Crouse, Bookline, Massachusetts.]
“Visitor, Joe Smith, Jr., age 17, fell in front of the hospital. He was treated in E.R. and released. Mr. Joe Smith, Sr., was notified who is a patient in room 622A due to his son’s age.” [A security guard’s accident report. Submitted by J. Crane, Pennsauken, New Jersey.]
“State of Washington charges for certified birth, death, marriage or disillusions….” [From Connecticut Society of Genealogists Newsletter, November-December 1988. Submitted by Dorothy Branson, Kansas City, Missouri]
“Audi’s at reduced savings.” [An ad in The Hartford Courant, 6 July 1988. Submitted by Sidney Perlman, Hartford.]
“Free lays to the first 50 people!!” [From an invitation to a “Blue Hawaii” Beach Party in Staff Bulletin No. 31, p. 6, of the Madison Area (Wisconsin) Tech College. Submitted by Mary Louise Gilman, Hanover, Massachusetts.]
“German Filmmaker Leni Riefenstahl Sings With Doubleday.” [From Publishers Weekly, 4 November 1988. Submitted by Milton Horowitz, Jackson Heights, New York.]
“Major Ronald Ferguson, father of the Duchess of York, has told the staff at his polo club that his daughter would not enter a private London hospital where she will give birth until Thursday.” [From the Detroit Free Press, 8 August 1988. Submitted by Mrs. William Kienzle, Southfield, Michigan.]
“Wednesday, September 2 will be declared a Monday for purposes of class attendance. This designation of Wednesday as a Monday is for the first week of Fall semester only.” [From the University of Southern California catalogue. Submitted by Scott McCarty, Long Beach.]
“…more allegations of improper misconduct …” [From the Lubbock Avalanche-Journal, 3 August 1988. Submitted by Alfred Strehli, Lubbock.]
“Iranian Mutes Calls for Revenge Against U.S.” [Headline in The New York Times, 9 July 1988. Submitted by Robert R. Flamm, New York City.]
“Murphy wanted the Eagle’s Nest to resemble Birches Garden–the high-altitude restaurant in Austria where Adolf Hitler hid at the end of World War II.” [From the York (Pennsylvania) Daily Record, 17 February 1988. Submitted by Roy B. Flichbaugh Jr., York.]
“The truck now has over 191,000 miles on it and has never had a major problem until recently. The timing gear broke in the front yard after coming home from the orthodontist.” [From the Letters column, Friends, March 1988. Submitted by Raymond Spong, Niantic, Connecticut.]
“One thousand marijuana plants have been seized in a joint police investigation near here Monday.” [From the Kitchener-Waterloo (Canada) Record, 6 October 1987. Submitted by Susan Montonen, Kitchener.]
“Thank you, dead Ricardo….” [A caption in the program of the Eighth Annual Mardi Gras Bal Magnifique of Greater Los Angeles, 4 February 1967. Submitted by John Paul Arnerich, Los Angeles.]
“It’s Detroit sometime in the recent future, a city beleaguered by the sleaziest of criminals and defended by a police department that’s the subsidiary of a big corporation.” [From a movie listing for Robocop in TV Guide, Western Washington State edition, 20 August 1988. Submitted by Walt Sheldon, Bellingham.]
“In Cleveland, pollution along the Cuyahoga River was so bad 20 years ago that the river caught fire. Now pleasure boats from nearby marinas must dodge freighters on their way to nightclubs and restaurants along the banks of the cleaned-up river.” [From the Chicago Tribune, 9 May 1988. Submitted by John B. Mullen, Barrington, Illinois.]
******(10)
“The family said they would try to bury him again tomorrow.” [Dan Rather, CBS Evening News, 7 April 1987. Submitted by Dorothy Branson, Kansas City, Missouri.]
At 7:35 a.m., Ron Steelman of National Public Radio said: “For the second time in two weeks a Galena Park school teacher was found murdered.” At 8:26 a.m., Sam Saucedo of Channel 11 News said, “For the second time in two weeks a Galena Park school teacher has been murdered.” [Submitted by Graciela S. Daichman, Rice University.]
“Our special tunic lets you breastfeel discreetly any-where….” [From The Right Start Catalogue, June 1988. Submitted by Ruth Riedel, Palm Beach Gardens, Florida.]
“More than 2,900 dogs to flood Ryon Park during competition.” [Headline in the Lompoc (California) Record, 27 July 1988. Submitted by Arthur G. Heinrich, Lompoc.]
“Grilled in foil or alongside a ham, turkey or chicken, those who shied away from onions before will delight in their new found vegetable.” [From a Waldbaums Foodmart circular. Submitted by Mrs. Robert Ensher, Westport, Connecticut.]
“It’s turned out to be one of those red herrings around our necks.” [Quote from Bob Porter, director of Maintenance and Engineering Services in Fontana, California, in the San Bernardino Sun, 26 April 1988. Submitted by J.B. Lawrence, San Bernardino.]
“Hidden in the dining room breakfront, in a blue-enameled box bedecked with handpainted flowers, Molly Darrah keeps the keys to 18 neighbors’ houses.” [From the San Francisco Chronicle, 10 February 1986.]
“Through the use of ultrasound, University of Washington researcher…studies women who develop high blood pressure during pregnancy with the assistance of AHA-WA funds.” [From Heartlines, a Washington affiliate newsletter of the American Heart Association, Vol. VI, No. 2, 1988.]
“No detail is too small to overlook.” [From an advertisement for a lawn product on KCMO-TV, Kansas City, Missouri, 20 April 1988. Submitted by Dorothy Branson, Kansas City.]
“The podium erected in front of building A was surrounded by a semicircle of spectators on wooden chairs.” [From Doctors by Erich Segal, p. 316. Submitted by Eugene P. Healy, Madison, Connecticut.]
******(8)
“Major Ronald Ferguson, father of the Duchess of York, has told the staff at his polo club that his daughter would not enter a private London hospital where she will give birth until Thursday.” [From the Detroit Free Press, 8 August 1988. Submitted by Mrs. William Kienzle, Southfield, Michigan.]
“A woman gave birth to two of her triplets a month after delivering the third, a rare occurrence, physicians said Thursday.” [From The Philadelphia Inquirer, 4 May 1988. Submitted by Stephen R. LaCheen, Philadelphia.]
“We consider pornography to be a public problem, and we feel it is an issue that demands a second look.” [From a speech by President Ronald Reagan on 21 May 1984. Submitted by John Paul Arnerich, Los Angeles.]
“The 55 mph speed is widely flaunted.” [CBS Evening News, 17 March 1987. Submitted by Dorothy Branson, Kansas City, Missouri.]
“In Cleveland, pollution along the Cuyahoga River was so bad 20 years ago that the river caught fire. Now pleasure boats from nearby marinas must dodge freighters on their way to nightclubs and restaurants along the banks of the cleaned-up river.” [From the Chicago Tribune, 9 May 1988. Submitted by John B. Mullen, Barrington, Illinois.]
“More than 2,900 dogs to flood Ryon Park during competition.” [Headline in the Lompoc (California) Record, 27 July 1988. Submitted by Arthur G. Heinrich, Lompoc.]
“Serious crime down, but murders increase.” [From the Rocky Mountain News, Denver, Colorado, 11 May 1988. Submitted by Jeff Lovill, Westminster, Colorado.]
“Audi’s at reduced savings.” [An ad in The Hartford Courant, 6 July 1988. Submitted by Sidney Perlman, Hartford.]
******(13)
“It’s Detroit sometime in the recent future, a city beleaguered by the sleaziest of criminals and defended by a police department that’s the subsidiary of a big corporation.” [From a movie listing for Robocop in TV Guide, Western Washington State edition, 20 August 1988. Submitted by Walt Sheldon, Bellingham.]
“The truck now has over 191,000 miles on it and has never had a major problem until recently. The timing gear broke in the front yard after coming home from the orthodontist.” [From the Letters column, Friends, March 1988. Submitted by Raymond Spong, Niantic, Connecticut.]
“That dive was right on the edge of new exploration and new technology. Taking new technology into unexplored realsm of the earth is a once in a lifetime opportunity that I hope to repeat many times.” [From Underwater USA, July 1988. Submitted by Rey Barry, Charlottesville, Virginia.]
“Iranian Mutes Calls for Revenge Against U.S.” [Headline in The New York Times, 9 July 1988. Submitted by Robert R. Flamm, New York City.]
“Hidden in the dining room breakfront, in a blueenameled box bedecked with handpainted flowers, Molly Darrah keeps the keys to 18 neighbors’ houses.” [From The San Francisco Chronicle, 10 February 1986.]
“Grilled in foil or alongside a ham, turkey or chicken, those who shied away from onions before will delight in their new found vegetable.” [From a Waldbaums Foodmart circular. Submitted by Mrs. Robert Ensher, Westport, Connecticut.]
“25 feared dead in Turkey attack.” [Headline in The Herald, New Britain, Connecticut, 6 September 1986. Submitted by Mayor William J. McNamara, New Britain.]
“…more allegations of improper misconduct…” [From the Lubbock Avalanche-Journal, 3 August 1988. Submitted by Alfred Strehli, Lubbock.]
“Moped injuries are clearly one of the top causes of major head injuries in this area…some major fractures require amputation. The injuries sustained in the accidents may not permit the person to do athletics forever.” [From the UCLA Bruin, 23 November 1987. Submitted by John Paul Arnerich, Los Angeles.]
“STATE PER CALL RATES FOR MICRO PRODUCTS …/HR If we go On-site to do the work. Time charged from Porthole to Porthole…/HR If machine is brought into State Depot like DOT or MATC. Minimum of (4) machines needing repair before calling. Time charged from Porthole to Porthole.” [From a company memorandum sent to customers by Sorbus, A Bell Atlantic Company, Madison, Wisconsin. Submitted by Neil A. Trilling, Thiensville, Wisconsin.]
At 7:35 a.m., Ron Steelman of National Public Radio said: “For the second time in two weeks a Galena Park school teacher was found murdered.” At 8:26 a.m., Sam Saucedo of Channel 11 News said, “For the second time in two weeks a Galena Park school teacher has been murdered.” [Submitted by Graciela S. Daichman, Rice University.]
“The University of Texas has been concerned about the attrition rate among undergraduates. About 37 percent of freshmen drop out of UT after four years. About one-third graduate after four years, and about half graduate after five years.” [From the Austin American-Statesman, 3 February 1987. Submitted by Michael B. Huston, San Marcos, Texas.]
“German Filmmaker Leni Reifenstahl Sings With Doubleday.” [From Publishers Weekly, 4 November 1988. Submitted by Milton Horowitz, Jackson Heights, New York.]
******(8)
“Instead of their usual Friday collections on December 25 and January 1, Friday customers will be picked up on Saturday, December 26, and Saturday, January 2.” [Holiday garbage schedules in the San Francisco Examiner, 18 December 1987. Submitted by Randy Alfred, San Francisco.]
“We’re going to pay now, or pay later. Now, we’re paying later.” [Sen. Lawton Chiles (D-Fla), commenting on the need for prenatal care for poor women, NBC Today, 26 January 1988. Submitted by William Johnston, Boulder, Colorado.]
“Attractive, divorced Jewish woman 41. Reubenesque, professional.” [From a personal ad in the White Plains Reporter-Dispatch, 29 September 1988. Submitted by Bernard Witlieb, of White Plains who suggests, “Maybe she wears dotted Swiss.”]
“Box 2101 Terminal Annex.” [The address of a life insurance company in Los Angeles. Submitted by George F. Muller, Rockville, Maryland.]
“Wednesday, September 2 will be declared a Monday for purposes of class attendence. This designation of Wednesday as a Monday is for the first week of Fall semester only.” [From the University of Southern California catalogue. Submitted by Scott McCarty, Long Beach.]
“Through the use of ultrasound, University of Washington researcher…studies women who develop high blood pressure during pregnancy with the assistance of AHA-WA funds.” [From Heartlines, a Washington affiliate newsletter of the American Heart Association, Vol. VI, No. 2, 1988.]
“The Met Office–a part of the Ministry of Defence and therefore shielded from accountability and the prying eyes of outsiders–is beyond the pail.” [From the New Scientist (London), 22 October 1987. Submitted by Cornelius Van S. Roosevelt, Washington, D.C.]
“Proceeds from sales of carved ducks go to handicap children.” [A sign in a Greek pizzeria in Peabody, Massachusetts. submitted by Nell Wright, Lynnfield, Massachusetts.]
******(9)
[Submitted by Harold J. Ellner, M.D., Richland, Washington.]
“…EXTERMINATING: We are trained to kill all pets …’ [From an ad in TV Hi-Lites (Flushing, New York), December 27-Jan 2, 1988. Submitted by Dennis Wepman, Bronx.]
“One thousand marijuana plants have been seized in a joint police investigation near here Monday.’ [From the Kitchener-Waterloo (Canada) Record, 6 October 1987. Submitted by Susan Montonen, Kitchener.]
“An investigation found the employee occasionally slept on duty for almost five years.’ [From the York (Pennsylvania) Daily Record, 12 January 1987. Submitted by Margery H. Freas, York.]
“No detail is too small to overlook.’ [From an advertisement for a lawn product on KCMO-TV, Kansas City, Missouri, 20 April 1988. Submitted by Dorothy Branson, Kansas City.]
“The podium erected in front of building A was surrounded by a semicircle of spectators on wooden chairs.’ [From Doctors by Erich Segal, p. 316. Submitted by Eugene P. Healy, Madison, Connecticut.]
“Asked about social needs, Burdette said, `Our safety net has a lot of holes in it.’ ’ [From the Parkersburg (West Virginia) News, 30 October 1986. Submitted by Glade Little, Parkersburg.]
“Our special tunic lets you breastfeel discreetly anywhere….’ [From The Right Start Catalogue, June 1988. Submitted by Ruth Riedel, Palm Beach Gardens, Florida.]
“That dive was right on the edge of new exploration and new technology. Taking new technology into unexplored realms of the earth is a once in a lifetime opportunity that I hope to repeat many times.’ [From Underwater USA, July 1988. Submitted by Rey Barry, Charlottesville, Virginia.]
******(11)
“Whereas sexologists have previously asked whether the female gentilia resemble those of men, Eve’s Secret suggests that men’s sexual organs may be derived from those of women.” [From a Paladin/Grafton book advertisement in The Guardian, n.d., 1989. Submitted by M. Gautrey, Geneva.]
“Each of the four rings were positioned inside each other.” [From an article on laser capability in Job Shop Technology, August 1988. Submitted by Bernard Brenner, Weston, Massachusetts.]
“State of Washington charges for certified birth, death, marriage or disillusion….” [From Connecticut Society of Genealogists Newsletter, November-December 1988. Submitted by Dorothy Branson, Kansas City, Missouri]
“Joseph L. Brechner Imminent Scholar of Journalism, University of Florida.” [The title under the signature on a letter to members of the Association for Education in Journalism and Mass Communications, 7 October 1988. Submitted by Soniya Jaffe Robbins, New York University.]
“The family said they would try to bury him again tomorrow.” [Dan Rather, CBS Evening News, 7 April 1987. Submitted by Dorothy Branson, Kansas City, Missouri.]
“Attractive, divorced Jewish woman 41. Reubenesque, professional. [From a personal ad in the White Plains Reporter-Dispatch, 29 September 1988. Submitted by Bernard Witlieb, of White Plains who suggests, “Maybe she wears dotted Swiss.”]
“(The cyclist) hopes to survive the 2,020-mile race through the French countryside and mountains to ride down Paris’ eloquent avenue, Champs Elysées.” [From the Los Angeles Times, 4 July 1988. Submitted by John Paul Arnerich, Los Angeles.]
“Your thumb or fingerprint will be taken.” [From the California Driver Handbook, Spring 1988. Submitted by D. Wayne Doolen, Sherman Oaks.]
“Millionaire Magazine, Palm Beach, has filed Chapter 7 Bankruptcy in Miami.” [From Freelance Writer’s Report, August 1988. Submitted by Barbara Roth, Orlando.]
“After much adieu, the TC by Masarati Sports Coupe has finally arrived.” [a caption in Black Enterprise, November 1988, p. 108. Submitted by John Durant Cooke, New York City.]
“Asked about social need, Burdette said, `Our safety net has a lot of holes in it.”’ [From the Parkersburg (West Virginia) News, 30 October 1986. submitted by Glade Little, Parkersburg.]
******(7)
“And as for that better mousetrap, the X-terminator ($1) is humane–the mouse is trapped, not killed–and can be reused.” [From the Philadelphia Inquirer, 24 January 1990. Submitted by Berthold W. Levy, Melrose park, Pennsylvania.]
“Suspected extremists bomb shop in India.” [Headline from the Philadelphia Inquirer, 9 July 1990. Submitted by Dr. Oliver G. Ludwig, Villanova University.]
“Lithium was not effective in either depressed or non-depressed alcoholics in significantly reducing the numbers of subjects who were not abstinent, number of days of reported drinking, number of alcohol-related hospitalizations, severity of alcoholism, or severity of depression.” [From Drug Therapy, December 1989:61. Submitted by Morton Malkin, Brooklyn.]
“There is no residency requirement for US Senate other than that the candidate be a resident of the state he is running from at the time of his election.” [From the Boston Globe, 1 March 1990:23. Submitted by Robert Loud, Lincoln, Massachusetts.]
“The Brundtland report celebrated by many at Globe ’90, while hard-hitting in its analysis of the global environmental crisis, is profoundly shallow in its prescriptions.” [From comments by Frank Tester, professor at University of British Columbia and York University, quoted in the Daily Oil Bulletin, 21 March 1990. Submitted by R.S. Lee, Calgary, Alberta.]
“ALL EQUIPMENT is permanently marked for identification. IF CAUGHT STEALING, WE WILL PROSECUTE!” [Sign in the audio-visuals materials section of the Norlin Library on the Boulder campus of the University of Colorado. Submitted by William Johnston, Boulder.]
“The Kings Mountain Volunteers were the first to arrive at the home in the 12000 block of Skyline Boulevard at 12:50 p.m. and although three engines and 16 firefighters were called to the scene there were no injuries.” [From The Peninsula Times Tribune, Palo Alto, 2 April 1990. Submitted by Meryl Bach, Atherton, California.]
******(10)
“That is a mute point now, of course, with Holyfield’s victory over Douglas.” [From the Las Vegas Review-Journal/Sun, 27 October 1990:1C. Submitted by Richard Wynn, Bullhead City, Arizona.]
Coming in on a wing and a prayer: “One observer in Nevada was quoted as saying the shape of the aircraft was `like a mantra ray.’ ” [From the San Bernardino Sun, 2 October 1990. Submitted by J.B. Lawrence, San Bernardino, California.]
“The suit was filed by two men and a woman who said it was unfair and illegal to allow women in skirts into the Florentine Gardens nightclub for free on certain nights while forcing men and women without skirts to pay a cover charge.” [From the Los Angeles Times, 15 November 1990:B-2. Submitted by Amrom H. Katz, Los Angeles and by several other readers.]
“He says when he first became vicar of Trinity Church, its congregation was `very elderly and old-fashioned’ but now it was an active all aged congregation.” [From the Henley Standard, 9 February 1990:15. Submitted by Kate Ashbrook, Henley-on-Thames.]
“Other planned features of the store:… About 100 more employees, on top of the 125 to 150 new sales consultants hired in August.” [From the St. Paul Pioneer Press Dispatch, March 1990. Submitted by Dean Durken, West St. Paul, Minnesota.]
“ARE YOUR TALENTS BEING WASTED? … You could be selected to manage small tasks, make beds, pass water, wrap silverware, call games, read, decorate, do craft projects….” [From the Post-Tribune, 13 August 1990:17. Submitted by Ed & Katherine Schedler, Jefferson City, Missouri.]
“During our entire marriage of 44 years, plus a few preceding years of courtship, I could count the number of times Walt was stopped by a policeman while driving on just three fingers of my left hand.” [From Lil Phillips’s column in the Cape Cod Times, 19 November 1990:11. Submitted by Laura W. Neville, Cotuit, Massachusetts.]
“I’m sorry I never got to meet him while he was alive.” [Leonard Maltin on Andy Devine, from Entertainment Tonight, TV program, 20 February 1989. Submitted by Emilio Bernal Labrada, Falls Church, Virginia.]
“ `It’s hard to get medical aid if you’re HIV-infected in many areas.’ ” [A quotation from Dr. Richard J. Howard from The New York Times, 11 November 1990. Submitted by Ron Tyler, Didsbury, Alberta.]
“The main auditorium of the Midland Center for the Arts proved the effectiveness of its acoustical design as the phrases of Feltsman traveled to the back rows where your reviewer sat, totally intact.” [From the Midland Daily News, 15 November 1990. Submitted by Lawrence H. Brown, Midland, Michigan.]
******(7)
“The Baths is a dying institution. Last year, we refunded money to 86 people who died.” [From the Daily News Magazine, March 1987. Submitted by John D. Cooke, New York City.]
“Box 2101 Terminal Annex.” [The address of a life insurance company in Los Angeles. Submitted by George F. Muller, Rockville, Maryland.]
“Free lays to the first 50 people!!” [From an invitation to a “Blue Hawaii” Beach Party in Staff Bulletin No. 31, p. 6, of the Madison Area (Wisconsin) Tech College. Submitted by Mary Louise Gilman, Hanover, Massachusetts.]
“No detail is too small to overlook.” [From an advertisement for a lawn product on KCMO-TV, Kansas City, Missouri, 20 April 1988. Submitted by Dorothy Branson, Kansas City.]
“Malpractice Made Easy.” [Title of a book advertised in Legal Aspects of Medical Practice, November 1981. Submitted by Dr. V.P. Collins, Houston.]
“Faster swimmers have the right away.” [From a professionally made, plastic laminated, wall-mounted sign at the swimming pool of the Sports Connection health club in Beverly Hills, California. Submitted by Guerin Barry, Hollywood, California.]
“I fought for my country in World War II and would die for it again….” [From a letter from William H. Koontz of Garden City in The Sun News, Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, 27 August 1990. Submitted by Raymond J. Herbert,, Calabash, North Carolina.]
******(9)
“Every minute was more exciting than the next.” [From an on-camera interview with Linda Evans, commenting on “Night of 100 Stars” party in New York to promote “Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous.”]
“Best Place In Town To Take A Leak.” [From an advertisement of Conn. Auto Radiator, Inc. in a local television program guide, 19 August 1990.]
Today’s Quote: “The judgment that we can make given our information is that it’s not probable that there will be an impact on decision-making in Iraq over the course of the next months.–External Affairs Minister Joe Clark.” [From The Province, Vancouver, BC, 29 November 1990. Submitted by John A. McCormick, Port McNeill, BC.]
“Because the statue has 42 arms, it is often called the Guanyin of the Thousand Arms.” [From China Today, November 1990, p. 15. Submitted by Charles G. Mendoza, North Miami.]
“Controlling emissions at the source not only protects freshwater ecosystems, but also allows fairly rapid recovery of lakes’ indigent species…” [From “Science Watch,” The New York Times, 5 June 1990. Submitted by Frank R. Abate, Old Saybrook.]
Through the use of ultrasound, University of Washington researcher… studies women who develop high blood pressure during pregnancy with the assistance of AHA-WA funds.” [From Heartlines, a Washington affiliate newsletter of the American Heart Association, Vol. VI, No. 2, 1988.]
“Movie: `Of Human Bandage.’ ” [From TV Supplement to the St. Petersburg Times.]
“Dr. Robert Stein testified that he put the eight separate pieces of Bridges’ body together in the alley and then pronounced Bridges dead.” [From the Chicago Tribune, 3 July 1986: 2,3. Submitted by M.C. Thomas, Chicago.]
“Osborne chased it around the back of the net, dug the puck off the sideboards and fired a pass to Poddubny, who beat Buffalo goaltender Tom Barrasso between the legs.” [From an AP story in the Danbury News-Times, 13 November 1986. Submitted by Ed Rosenberg, Danbury. Anyone would be a tender goalie in the circumstances. And was Barrasso so named for playing bottomless?]
******(13)
“Serious crime down, but murders increase.” [From the Rocky Mountain News, Denver, Colorado, 11 May 1988. Submitted by Jeff Lovill, Westminster, Colorado.]
“Other cities around the nation will sponsor crime prevention awareness activities tonight, but not Olean. Candlelight marches, children’s activities and block parties will take place as neighbors unite to speak out against crime prevention across the country.” [From the Olean Times Herald, 7 August 1990. Submitted by Judith Hansen, Olean, New York.]
“One thousand marijuana plants have been seized in a joint police investigation near here Monday.” [From the Kitchener-Waterloo (Canada) Record, 6 October 1987. Submitted by Susan Montonen, Kitchener.]
“The podium erected in front of building A was surrounded by a semicircle of spectators on wooden chairs.” [From Doctors by Erich Segal, p. 316. Submitted by Eugene P. Healy, Madison, Connecticut.]
“Each of the four rings were positioned inside each other.” [From an article on laser capability in Job Shop Technology, August 1988. Submitted by Bernard Brenner, Weston, Massachusetts.]
“Whereas sexologists have previously asked whether the female gentilia resemble those of men, Eve’s Secret suggests that men’s sexual organs may be derived from those of women.” [From a Paladin/Grafton book advertisement in The Guardian, n.d., 1989. Submitted by M. Gautrey, Geneva.]
“(The cyclist) hopes to survive the 2,020-mile race through the French countryside and mountains to ride down Paris’ eloquent avenue, Champs Elysées.” [From the Los Angeles Times, 4 July 1988. Submitted by John Paul Arnerich, Los Angeles.]
“… You have to see West Side Story in performance, preferably on stage, to fully appreciate the enormity of Bernstein’s achievement.” [From “Saturday’s Television and Radio,” Peter Davalle, The Times, 27 October 90:24]
“Wandering around the transformed city of Bergen, Norway in search of old haunts, I felt like Gulliver waking from a long sleep.” [From “Going Home to/Retour á Bergen,” by Helga Loverseed, in Empress (C.P. Airlines magazine), May-June 1986:52. Submitted by Mrs. G.H.Montgomery, Westmount, Quebec.]
“Rachel Perry cosmetics offer a natural alternative to skin care.” [Subheadline of article in The Tab, Newton, Massachusetts, which prints in its masthead, “The number beside each person’s name is their extension.” Submitted by Alice Batchelor, Wellesley]
“8:00 PM BET FRANK’S PLACE The Chez is sued for serving a patron too many drinks after he is killed in a car accident.” [From “TV Week,” The Washington Post, 12-18 May 1991. Submitted by Anna Warner, Herndon, Virginia.]
“After the jury convicted a rapist in circuit court last week, Judge Ted Coleman sentenced him to prison `for the rest of your natural life with credit for the 34 days already served.’ ” [From Column World, by Bob Morris, in The Orlando Sentinel, 19 November 1986. Submitted by Richard E. Langford, DeLand, Florida.]
“Make your homecoming a memorial one.” [From the South Dakota State College Eastern. Submitted by Jim Swanson, Madison, South Dakota.]
******(6)
“Ramiro Ramirez Garza, 39, of the 2700 block of Leary Lane, was arrested Thursday by police as he was threatening to commit suicide and to flee to Mexico.” [From The Victoria Advocate, 27 October 1990: 7A. Submitted by Rubin S. Frels, Victoria, Texas.]
“But critics have since questioned the need for the United States to maintain the 45-square-foot military base [at Guantanamo, Cuba]–whose day-to-day mission, officers say, is primarily Naval fleet training.” [From Conservative Weekly, 2 October 1991. Submitted by John Biddle Lawrence, San Bernardino, California.]
“When multiplying a newton by a meter, for example, MicroMath automatically displays the result in jewels.” [From MacWeek, 3 February 1992, p. 17. Submitted by Tony Waters, Catonville, Maryland.]
“An engine fell off a commuter airplane before it crashed into a farm field last week, killing all 14 people aboard, investigators said Tuesday. It wasn’t clear whether that caused the crash or was just another sign the plane was in trouble.” [From the San Bernardino Sun, 18 September 1991. Submitted by John Biddle Lawrence, San Bernardino, California.]
“Wilbur J. Witzel, 42, of San Jose, who pulled a fallen woman from train tracks June 11, 1990, as a commuter train rapidly approached.” [From a list of Carnegie heroes in the San Francisco Chronicle, 1 November, 1991, p. B8. Submitted by Randy Alfred, San Francisco.]
“[Jessye] Norman was in high dungeon, according to the gossip.” [From The Boston Globe, 17 February 1992. Submitted by Thayer S. Warshaw, North Andover, Massachusetts.]
******(7)
“While he was alive, Jack Benny entertained millions.” [From Entertainment Tonight, TV program, 5 November 1990. Submitted by Emilio Benal Labrada, Falls Church, Virginia.]
“…[S]wamp fever, a sometimes fatal viral infection spread by biting insects.” [From the Philadelphia Inquirer,8 September 1990. Submitted by Stephen Robert, LaCheen, Philadelphia.]
“In physics, where other forms of misconduct are relatively rare, I have seen serious breeches of ethics committed under the cloak of anonymity by referees of journal articles and research proposals.” [From The American Scholar, Autumn 1991, p. 513. (Author not supplied.) Submitted by John Biddle Lawrence, San Bernardino, California.]
“…EXTERMINATING: We are trained to kill all pets…” [From san ad in TV Hi-Lites (Flushing, New York), December 27-Jan 2, 1988. Submitted by Dennis Wepman, Bronx.]
“Instead of their usual Friday collections on December 25 and January 1, Friday customers will be picked up on Saturday, December 26, and Saturday, January 2.” [Holiday garbage schedules in the San Francisco Examiner, 18 December 1987. Submitted by Randy Alfred, San Francisco.]
“An investigation found the employee occasionally slept on duty for almost five years.” [From the York (Pennsylvania) Daily Record, 12 January 1987. Submitted by Margery H. Freas, New York.]
“You’ll have the specific facts you need to analize your markets.” [From a direct mail piece of Commodity Research, August 1990. Submitted by Dimitri Raftopoulos, Fort Lee, New Jersey.]
*****(15)
“It’s turned out to be one of those red herrings around our necks.” [Quote from Bob Porter, director of Maintenance and Engineering Services in Fontana, California, in the San Bernardino Sun, 26 April 1988. Submitted by J.B. Lawrence, San Bernardino.]
“Dr. Robert Stein testified that he put the eight separate pieces of Bridges’ body together in the alley and then pronounced Bridges dead.” [From the Chicago Tribune, 3 July 1986:2,3. Submitted by M.C. Thomas, Chicago.]
“2: The new British Library–sitting comfortably on enlarged piles.” [Sidebar headline in the New Scientist, 27 March 1986:28. Submitted by Cornelius Van S. Roosevelt, Washington, DC.]
“Moped injuries are clearly one of the top causes of major head injuries in this area…some major fractures require amputation. The injuries sustained in the accidents may not permit the person to do athletics forever.” [From the UCLA Bruin, 23 November 1987. Submitted by John Paul Arnerich, Los Angeles.]
“We’re going to pay now, or pay later. Now, we’re paying later.” [Sen. Lawton Chiles (D-Fla.), commenting on the need for prenatal care for poor women, NBC Today, 26 January 1988. Submitted by William Johnston, Boulder, Colorado.]
“New Faces to Fill Pleasants Seats.” [Headline in the Parkersburg (West Virginia) News, 30 October 1986. Submitted by Glade Little, Parkersburg.]
“Osborne chased it around the back of the net, dug the puck off the sideboards and fired a pass to Poddubny, who beat Buffalo goaltender Tom Barrasso between the legs.” [From an AP story in the Danbury News-Times, 13 November 1986. Submitted by Ed Rosenberg, Danbury. Anyone would be a tender goalie in the circumstances. And was Barrasso so named for playing bottomless?]
“Sheep Dip, An 8 year old pure Malt Scotch Whisky much enjoyed by the villagers of Oldbury-on-Severn.” [From an advertisement in The Sunday Times, October 90:1:2]
“Other cities around the nation will sponsor crime prevention awareness activities tonight, but not Olean. Candlelight marches, children’s activities and block parties will take place as neighbors unite to speak out against crime prevention across the country.” [From the Olean Times Herald, 7 August 1990. Submitted by Judith Hansen, Olean, New York.].
“Volunteer Tudors Needed.” [From an ad in the Sentinel-Standard (Ionia, Michigan), 19 January 1988. Submitted by Lloyd Walker, Greenville.]
“WARNER’S BUY 6, GET 2!” [From a Macy’s advertisement, The Philadelphia Inquirer, 29 November 1990. Submitted by Irene H. Cotton, Philadelphia.]
“Unsecured creditors get the shaft in mining bankruptcy.” [From The Silverton Standard and the Miner, 19 June 1986. Submitted by Fred W. Doolittle, Jr., Naples, Florida.]
“Tonight’s program focuses on stress, exercise, nutrition and sex with Celtic Scott Wedman, Dr. Ruth Westheimer and Dick Cavett.” [Submitted by Richard Lederer, Concord, New Hampshire.]
“Gook: Derisive slang for Koreans; a corruption of the Korean han’guk saram, which means `Korean.’ [From U.S. News & World Report, 25 June 1990:36. Submitted by Charles Mendoza, North Miami.]
“For gift delivery anywhere call 800-CHEER-UP (except where prohibited by law).” [From an advertisement for Grand Marnier, FMR, Chistmas 1985, back cover.]
******(6)
“We can’t make good grammar great. But we want to make flawed writing acceptable.” [Lance A. Miller, in the Wall Street Journal, September 29, 1983. Submitted by Robert O. Vaughn, West New York, New Jersey.]
“Proceeds from sales of carved ducks go to handicap children.” [A sign in a Greek pizeria in Peabody, Massachusetts. Submitted by Nell Wright, Lynnfield, Massachusetts.]
“Hot Cod Pieces are Perfect for Little Soldiers.” [Headline in The Australian, March 27, 1985. Submited by Dr. H.H. Macey, Floreat Park, Western Australia.]
“Sarasate had the fastest fingers ever to set foot on stage.” [From “St. Paul Sunday morning,” MPBN, May 12, 1985. Submitted by Charles Bolté, Dresden, Maine.]
“Movie: `Of Human Bandage.’ ” [From TV Supplement to the St. Petersburg Times.]
“Born in Minden, Neb., in 1886, she was one of five children of a Congregational minister, who also ran a grain elevator, and his wife.” [From the Northglen-Thornton Sentinel, 3 July 1986. Submitted by Hugo G. Rodeck, Northglenn, Colorado.]
******(5)
“Can’t tell who from whom? …Help is available from the Purdue University grammar hotline…. `We get a lot of business writing calls and how to deal with a salutation when you don’t know who you’re writing to,’ [Bob] Child [Assistant to the writing lab director] said.” [From the New Haven Register, November 9, 1986, AP syndicated story by Diane M. Balk. Submitted by Dennis G. Jarry, New Haven, Connecticut.]
“There are no national temperatures today due to transmission difficulties.” [From the St. Petersburg Evening Independent.]
“Tongue Tied by Lost for Words out of Verbatim.” [A horse with his lineage, listed on a racing program at Belmont Race Track, Elmont, New York. Submitted by L. Phillips, New York City.]
“…EXTERMINATING: We are trained to kill all pets…” [From an ad in TV Hi-Lites (Flushing, New York), December 27-Jan 2, 1988. Submitted by Dennis Wepman, Bronx.]
“Nationally reknown literary counsultant…There Is No Substitute for Excellence.” [From Children, Naturally, Spring 1985, front page, Submitted by Alexandra Urdang, New York City.]
******(4)
The witness “had a substantial degree of education and training in prostitution and may even be possessed of some skill.” Such testimony “would be very helpful to jurors who are not usually engaged in such matters.” [Memorandum opinion by Judge Knox on the qualifications of a lay witness in UNITED STATES V. WALKER, 495 F. SUPP. 232 (1980). Submitted by V.P. Collins, M.D., Houston.]
“My son grabbed [the skunk] and got the load intended for the dog as well as a bite through the web of his hand. We kept him for a year or so in a box with a chicken wire cover and sides. When it got cold he went into semihibernation coming out two or three times a week for food. He took his bedding and closed the front of the box except for a small hole to go in and out. He had a beautiful pelt, thick and velvety. I could pet him when he was eating but at no other time. After a year or so we turned him loose and he took off across the fields.” [From a letter from William McClelland to The Conservationist/NYSDEC, January-February 1992, page 48. Submitted by Jon B. Jolly, Seattle.]
“Regardless of anything to the contrary in this booklet, if your medical insurance terminates for any reason including death, you…may elect within 30 days…to continue such medical insurance…. [From Group Insurance for 1-14 Employees, Consolidated Group Trust, The Hartford, p. 70.]
“The Baths is a dying institution. Last year, we refunded money to 86 people who died.” [From the Daily News Magazine, March 1987. Submitted by John D. Cooke, New York City.]
******(11)
“They were wheeling away the stretcher to where a cab was coming to take her away from the stadium. The TV lights were still in Joyner-Kersee’s face, the face that had been buried in the track less than an hour before. She kept smiling at the cameras and sat there, standing tall.” [From an article by Phil Hersh, datelined Tokyo, in the Chicago Tribune, n.d. Submitted by George R. Clowes, Flossmoor, Illinois.]
“…the underground parking garage will probably never see the light of day.” [From University of Toronto Magazine, Summer 1990. Submitted by Gordon B. Thompson, Etobicoke, Ontario.]
“He could not shake the dread feeling that he and all the others who had been involved in those projects were sitting on a bomb that, sooner or later, would explode in their faces,” [From The Acting President, by Bob Schieffer and Gary Paul Gates, E.P. Dutton, p. 273. Submitted by Barbara R. DuBois, Socorro, New Mexico.]
“Volunteers must take 48 hours of sexual assault training.” [From the San Bernardino Sun, 26 September 1992. Submitted by J.B. Lawrence, Van Nuys.]
“Medical Consultant… in a growing company which manages medical malpractice.” [From an employment ad of Risk Management Foundation of the Harvard Medical Institutions, Inc., in the Boston Globe, 21 June 1992. Submitted by Adam G.N. Moore, Squantum, Massachusetts.]
“Lane Bryant … The Catalog for sizes 14-54. America’s largest fashion selection.” [Cover text from Lane Bryant’s Spring 1993 Catalog. Submitted by Dorothy Branson, Kansas City, Missouri.]
“During this, the `Year of Arts in Education’ in Connecticut, budget cutbacks have reeked havoc with many school arts programs.” [From “From the Station Manager,” by John F. Berky, in Applause, Connecticut Public Radio Newsletter, August/September 1991. Submitted by Edwin A. Rosenberg, Danbury, Connecticut.]
“Geranium `John Elsley’–A lovely prostate ground cover.” [From among “Most Recent Offerings” by Wayside Gardens, spring 1992 catalogue. Submitted by Florence Madison, Westerly, Rhode Island.]
“…the underground parking garage will probably never see the light of day.” [From University of Toronto Magazine, Summer 1990. Submitted by Gordon B. Thompson, Etobicoke, Ontario.]
“ `This is where the rubber hits the road,’ said Lyle Wray, executive director of the Citizens League and a member of the Minnesota Milestones advisory committee. `This is the kickoff, not the end product. We’re throwing down the gauntlet, telling all the key sectors to let us know how we’re doing.’ ” [From the Minneapolis Star Tribune, 17 December 1992, page 2 Be. Submitted by Dean Durken, Saint Paul.]
“Spend less in our floral dept.” [From an A&P flyer.]
******(7)
Dastardly Deeds Disclosed at Suffolk School! An inspection team from the Ministry of Education threatens to close Summerhill, a progressive school founded in 1921 by the Scottish educator, A.S. Neill. “While pupils’ behaviour was generally good, the inspectors noted that their `free use of colloquial language’ … would not be tolerated in conventional schools.” [From The Times, 10 February 1994, P.6.]
“Here we have the classic cart-and-horse situation,’ [Lawrence Corey, professor of medicine at the University of Washington School of Medicine said. `Which came first?’ ” [From The Washington Post, 4 July 1990:A3. Submitted by Fox, Alexandria, Virginia.]
“A defense lawyer in Wednesday’s court case against three people for roughing up a Park Ranger July 4 was heard to say, `If the hand were on the other foot….’ ” [From The Cape Codder, 27 July 1990. Submitted by Edward T. Howard, Delray Beach, Florida.]
“Make your homecoming a memorial one.” [From the South Dakota State College Eastern. Submitted by Jim Swanson, Madison, South Dakota.]
“You’ll have the specific facts you need to analize your markets.” [From a direct mail piece of Commodity Research Bureau, August 1990. Submitted by Dimitri Raftopoulos, Fort Lee, New Jersey.]
“After the jury convicted a rapist in circuit court last week, Judge Ted Coleman sentenced him to prison `for the rest of your natural life with credit for the 34 days already served.’ ”[From Column World, by Bob Morris, in The Orlando Sentinel, 19 November 1986. Submitted by Richard E. Langford, DeLand, Florida.]
“Spend less in our floral dept.” [From an A & P flyer.]
******(9)
“Wandering around the transformed city of Bergen, Norway in search of old haunts, I felt like Gulliver waking from a long sleep.” [From “Going Home to/Retour à Bergen,” by Helga Loverseed, in Empress (C.P. Airlines magazine), May—June 1986:52. Submitted by Mrs. G.H. Montgomery, Westmount, Quebec.]
“Cemetery buries crime victim every 2 days.” [Headline from San Bernardino Sun, 3 June 1991. Submitted by anon, ., who observes, “You can’t keep a good man down.”]
“A father who underwent a sex change no longer has to wear male clothes to visit her son.” [From The (Montreal) Gazette, n.d. Submitted by Margie Golick, Montreal.]
“One of nine women will get breast cancer as well as many men.” [From the Los Angeles Times, 30 August 1992, page E7. Submitted by Sylvia Bursztyn, Van Nuys.]
“The hijacker hid a pistol in his hat that only fires blanks.” [From New York Newsday, 12 February 1993. Submitted by Benjamin M. Steiner, New York.]
“While she won’t admit it, [the character] clearly is a woman in denial.” [From a play review in The Berkshire Eagle, 16 June 1992. Submitted by Norman R. Shapiro, Wesleyan University.]
“ `Me and another student got up and started teach— ing class ourselves,’ [Sandra] Baker said of a business English class in which she said the instructor missed three weeks of classes.” [From the Chicago Sun-Times, 25 February 1993, page 14. Submitted by E.J. Mattimoe, Chicago.]
“Volunteers must take 48 hours of sexual assault training.” [From the San Bernardino Sun, 26 September 1992. Submitted by J.B. Lawrence, Van Nuys.]
“Medical Consultant … in a growing company which manages medical malpractice.” [From an employment ad of Risk Management Foundation of the Harvard Medical Institutions, Inc., in the Boston Globe, 21 June 1992. Submitted by Adam G.N. Moore, Squantum, Massachusetts.]
******(14)
“Available for priv parts” [Legend on the marquee of a cocktail lounge in Waltham, Massachusetts, Christmas-time 1992. Submitted by Phyllis C. Doherty, Bedford, Massachusetts.]
“ `I don’t mind having my feet to the fire. It focuses everybody’s mind,’ Mr. Doroniuk said of the short time frame. `My problem is I’ve got so many balls in the air.’ ” [From the (Toronto) Globe and Mail, 13 January 1993. Submitted by Douglas C. Greenwood, Barrie, Ontario.]
“At Terrace [a restaurant], Chef Ossama Mickail and owner Nada Bernic stepped in after the death of Mrs. Bernic’s husband and savored its best aspects.” [Caption of a photo in “Restaurant Review” in Crain’s New York Business, 21 December 1992, page 10. Submitted by Jim Hatch, New York City.]
“…Please bare with us and I think everyone will enjoy themselves.” [From the Harvard Heights Apartments tenants’ letter, n.d. Submitted by Dorothy Branson, Kansas City, Missouri.]
“Wandering around the transformed city of Bergen, Norway in search of old haunts, I felt like Gulliver waking from a long sleep.” [From “Going Home to/Retour à Bergen,” by Helga Loverseed, in Empress (C. P. Airlines magazine), May-June 1986:52. Submitted by Mrs. G. H. Montgomery, Westmount, Quebec.]
“Regardless of anything to the contrary in this booklet, if your medical insurance terminates for any reason including death, you…may elect within 30 days…to continue such medical insurance… [From Group Insurance for 1-14 Employees, Consolidated Group Trust, The Hartford, p. 70.]
“Through the use of ultrasound, University of Washington researcher … studies women who develop high blood pressure during pregnancy with the assistance of AHA-WA funds.” [From Heartlines, a Washington affiliate newsletter of the American Heart Association, Vol. VI, No. 2, 1988.]
“A woman gave birth to two of her triplets a month after delivering the third, a rare occurrence, physicians said Thursday.” [From The Philadelphia Inquirer, 4 May 1988. Submitted by Stephen R. LaCheen, Philadelphia.]
“… photographs of the very, very young girls with which Peter Altenberg, poet in prose, lined the walls of his room at the Graben Hotel.” [From Art View, by John Russell, in The New York Times, 29 June 1986. Submitted by Linder Chlarson, New York City.]
“… Lewis’s sparse prose gives her tale the mysterious inexorability of an ancient saga. For many years I have seen her name championed by other writers in lists of `neglected authors’: now I know why.” [From book catalog, A Common Reader, Spring 1993, page 65. Submitted by J.B. Lawrence, San Bernardino.]
“ `Incredible’ is too conservative an adjective. They are unbelievable!” [From a sportscast on Channel 4, 6 January 1993. Submitted by Dorothy Branson, Kansas City, Missouri.]
“Due to the fact that the patient is an extremist and is responding poorly to fluids, the patient will be taken immediately to the operating room, where exploratory laparotomy will be done.” [From a July 1986 hospital chart review. Submitted by John Williams M.D., pathologist.]
“Every minute was more exciting than the next.” [From an on-camera interview with Linda Evans, commenting on “Night of 100 Stars” party in New York to promote “Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous.”]
“In keeping with Hershey’s commitment to excellent products, please call us if this product does not meet your expectations….” [From the text on a pint container of Hershey’s Chocolate Milk.]
******(7)
“As I travelled the province, I found a bureaucratic quagmire stewing in the ugly built-in racism that is an echo of Canada’s colonial past.” [From a report by Barbara McLintock in The Province (Vancouver, B.C.), 13 May 1994. Submitted by J. A. McCormick, Port McNeill, B.C.]
“…next I add these ingredients to the margarine. I don’t like to use those artificial things–I use real margarine.” [From a cooking segment on the Today Show, WDAF, F-19 February 1994. Submitted by Dr. Dorothy Branson, Kansas City, Missouri.]
“The Southeastern Georgia Alzheimer’s Chapter presents a dinner cabaret, `A Night to Remember’…” [Submitted by M. Cornog and T. Perper, Philadelphia.]
“ `Blessing of the Animals’…Pets of all denominations welcome.” [From an advertisement by The Basilica of Saint Mary, “Your Downtown Catholic Cathedral,” in the Minneapolis Star Tribune, 27 September 1992. Submitted by Dean Durken, Saint Paul.]
“DRUG USE IN SPORTS ON RISE, SAYS WHO: Use of performance-enhancing drugs in sports is rising and more must be done to stop it, the World Health Organization said.” [From the San Bernardino Sun, 20 March 1993. Submitted by J.B. Lawrence, San Berardino.]
“Palm Desert employees charge that their manager created an atmosphere of hatred and tolerance.” [From the San Bernardino Sun, 21 December 1992. Submitted by J.B. Lawrence, San Bernardino.]
“Viewed from a strictly humanitarian point, Mr. Bush’s aides said this week, the White House’s decision on Nov. 25 to commit troops to Somalia was forced by a steady decline in the country’s military and social condition that began in mid-October and reached a peak days before Thanksgiving.” [From an article by Michael Wines in The New York Times, 6 December 1992, page A-14. Submitted by Robert W. Harvey, Essex, Connecticut.]
******(9)
“PULL TO RIGHT WHEN FLASHING” [Road sign on highway outside Detroit. Submitted by Mary M. Tius, Portland, Maine, who reports that no light is visible in the vicinity of the sign.]
“Due to the fact that the patient is an extremist and is responding poorly to fluids, the patient will be taken immediately to the operating room where exploratory laparotomy will be done.” [From a July 1986 hospital chart review. Submitted by John Williams, M.D., pathologist.]
“The sound of snoring is due to vibration of the soft palate and the vulva at the back of the throat.” [From the Evening Times Globe of St. John, N.B., 1 October 1993. Submitted by Jon Simpson, Quispamsis, N.B.]
“Through the use of ultrasound, University of Washington researcher … studies women who develop high blood pressure during pregnancy with the assistance of AHA-WA funds.” [From Heartlines, a Washington affiliate newsletter of the American Heart Association, Vol. VI, No. 2, 1988.]
“Although small, the Flint plant produces several million rivets of varying size each week.” [From an article by John Griffiths in The Financial Times, 30 November 1993. Submitted by Anon., Los Angeles.]
“Refugee convoy carrying 900 creeps to safety.” [Headline in the Schenectady Daily Gazette, 30 December 1993. Submitted by Hugh N. Boroson, M.D., Gloversville, New York.]
“Your subscription is about to expire, and delivery will stop. Please remit payment now to avoid uniterrupted delivery.” [From a renewal notice sent by The Courier-News, 9 June 1993. Submitted by Norman A. Heap, Stockton, New Jersey.]
“…Hosokawa finally explained on national television at 4 a.m. that Japan, an export superpower, must accept rice imports `for our sake and the world’s sake.’ ” [From The Sun, Gainesville, Florida, 14 December 1993. Submitted by Caroline Feiss, Seattle.]
“ `Cinderella’… Fairytale Heroiness.” [From an advertisement for Genna’s in the Detroit Free Press Magazine, 29 November 1992. Submitted by Betty E. Beach, Troy, Michigan.]
******(15)
“The city streets are being decimated,’ by illegal dumpers, DiClaudio told the judge.” [From The Philadelphia Daily News, page 10, n.d. Submitted by Steve LaCheen, Philadelphia.]
“The goods on garlic:…Garlic shots are a vicious measure of garlic-flavoured liquor.” [From The Globe and Mail, 20 September 1991. Submitted by Kurt Loeb, Downsview, Ontario.]
“Whenever there is something that is a concern to me, I peddle my butt up there,’ [Taborsak] said, referring to the senate chamber…” [From The News-Times (Danbury, Connecticut), 19 May 1991. Submitted by Edwin A. Rosenberg, Danbury, Connecticut.]
“Regardless of anything to the contrary in this booklet, if your medical insurance terminates for any reason including death, you…may elect within 30 days…to continue such medical insurance…. [From Group Insurance for 1-14 Employees, Consolidated Group Trust, The Hartford, p. 70.]
“From its rich nappa leather and pigskin lining to its supple comfort, the Prestige tennis shoe spoils your feet.” [From an advertisement by Prince in The New Yorker, 30 June 1986:47.]
“They were wheeling away the stretcher to where a cab was coming to take her away from the stadium. The TV lights were still in Joyner-Kersee’s face, the face that had been buried in the track less than an hour before. She kept smiling at the cameras and sat there, standing tall.” [From an article by Phil Hersh, datelined Tokyo, in the Chicago Tribune, n.d. Submitted by George R. Clowes, Flossmoor, Illinois.]
“Better than a hotel. Luxury suites, elegantly furnished with daily maid & linen service.” [From an advertisement for Bristol Plaza in New York Magazine (repeatedly). Submitted by Ruth S. Agin, Flushing, New York.]
“School Threatened: A new alternative school for young car thieves, runaways and gang members is already in danger of closing for lack of funds B3” [From “Inside Today’s Valley Edition” of The Los Angeles Times, 6 June 1992. Submitted by Robert Goldfarb, Studio City, California.]
“With all the promises and claims being bantered about in the long distance marketplace,…” [From the opening salvo of a letter from Pacific Bell, 4 November 1991. Submitted by Philip M. Bernstein, Fairfax, California.]
“Sexual Aides: How to order them without embarrassment. How to use them without disappointment.” [From an advertisement by The Xandria Collection in Mother Jones, March/April 1993, p. 84. Submitted by Melissa Brown, Indianapolis.]
“…photographs of the very, very, young girls with which Peter Altenberg, poet in prose, lined the walls of his room at the Graben Hotel.” [From Art View, by John Russell, in The New York Times, 29 June, 1986. Submitted by Linder Chlarson, New York City.]
“Every minute was more exciting than the next. [From an on-camera interview with Linda Evans, commenting on “Night of 100 Stars” partly in New York to promote “Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous.”]
“A woman gave birth to two of her triplets a month after delivering, the third, a rare occurrence, physicians said Thursday.” [From The Philadelphia Inquirer, 4 May, 1988. Submitted by Stephen R. LaCheen, Philadelphia.]
In keeping with Hershey’s commitment to excellent products, please call us if this product does not meet your expectations….” [From the text on a pint container of Hershey’s Chocolate Milk.]
“Whatever one thinks of smoking in public places …isn’t a smoking ban in saloons almost a contradiction in terms?” [From the Colorado Springs Gazette Telegraph, 20 February 1993. Submitted by Nancy Berk, Colorado Springs.]
******(11)
“Balloonist lands in hot water with ex-minister’s wife.” [Headline in The Times, n.d. Submitted by J. Brooks Hoffman, M.D., Greenwich, Connecticut.]
“It would also ban public consumption of alcohol and `wild’ dogs in these areas.” [From an article by Andrew Jack about La Rochelle, France, in the Financial Times, 5 August 1995. Submitted by Julian Smith, Oberursel, Germany.]
“Insectarium buzzes in heart of city of buggerly love.” [Headline in The (Durham, North Carolina) Herald-Sun, 19 February 1995. Submitted by Ronald R. Butters, Duke University.]
“He could not shake the dread feeling that he and all the others who had been involved in those projects were sitting on a bomb that, sooner or later, would explode in their faces.” [From The Acting President, by Bob Schieffer and Gary Paul Gates, E.P. Dutton, p. 273. Submitted by Barbara R. DuBois, Socorro, New Mexico.]
“[I]n our attempt to provide direction on how to control and mitigate damages, it appears we neglected to empathize with the fact that orchestrating such efforts may have been difficult for you.” [Letter from William C. Turnbull, Jr., of Chubb Group of Insurance Companies, 31 March 1995. Submitted by John and Mary Dirks, Old Lyme, Connecticut.]
“But each dish is more elaborate than the next…” [From a restaurant review by S. Irene Virbila in the Los Angeles Times Magazine, 9 July 1995, p. 26. Submitted by D. Wayne Doolen, North Hollywood.]
“There’ll be plenty to eat: hot dogs, hamburgers, children under twelve, only a dollar.” [From “Hillbilly,” WHRB (Harvard University’s radio station), Cambridge, Massachusetts, 22 July 1995. Submitted by Daniel E. Bloom, Andover, Massachusetts.]
“The fates of two massive proposals to ease conjection in the city centre… are still undecided.” [From New Statesman & Society, 6 July 1990, p. 16. Submitted by M. Gautrey, Geneva.]
“Zoning Enforcement Officer Ron Discher reported that the farm has stopped work on the paddock, an enclosed area where horses can graze and be mounted.” [From the Redding Pilot, 16 August 1990. Submitted by N. Selleck, Redding, Connecticut.]
“PLEASE DO NOT ANNOY, TORMENT, PESTER, PLAGUE, MOLEST, WORRY, BADGER, HARRY, HARASS, HECKLE, PERSECUTE, IRK, BULLYRAG, VEX, DISQUIET, GRATE, BESET, BOTHER, TEASE, NETTLE, TANTALIZE, OR RUFFLE THE ANIMALS” [Sign in the San Diego Zoo Wild Animal Park. Submitted by Lillian Mermin Feinsilver, Easton, Pennsylvania.]
“Attendance has been very erotic…” [From a report of a Master Gardener Meeting in Master Gardener Almanac, July 1991. Submitted by John C. White, El Paso.]
******(12)
“During this, the `Year of Arts in Education’ in Connecticut, budget cutbacks have reeked havoc with many school arts programs.” [From “From the Station Manager,” by John F. Berky, in Applause, Connecticut Public Radio Newsletter, August/September 1991. Submitted by Edwin A. Rosenberg, Danbury, Connecticut.]
“A middle-aged muslim man looking for a muslim woman–object, matrimoney.” [From The [Toronto] Globe and Mail, 3 August 1991. Submitted by Alec McEwen, Calgary.]
“Our Hopes For The New Year Are Soaring!” [From an advertisement for The Swan Funeral Homes, in the Pictorial Gazette East, 29 December 1990. Submitted by Mary D. Dirks, .]
“There isn’t room to list them all, except it must be noted that they included the Right to Die Society apologizing for accidentally calling itself the Right to Life Society in a previous letter, and the Right to Life Society objecting to the theft of its name.” [From The Toronto Star, 6 February 1993. Submitted by Elisabeth M. Day, Oakville, Ontario.]
“There is not a finite number, I am sure, but it must be a large number.” [From a review by Laurence Urdang in Verbatim, Winter 1993, page 36. Submitted by Harlan Spore, North Little Rock.]
“Lingerie manufacturer works with University Extension to improve bottom line.” [Subheadline in Exclaimer (published by University of Missouri System, Lincoln University), December 1992. Submitted by Terry R. Brock, Kansas City, Missouri.]
“All but a few employees–including one who confessed, and later hung himself in jail–were soon set free.” [From The New York Times, 15 September 1991. Submitted by John Salz, Ross, California.]
“But after a one hour delay, the game was canceled, bringing a shower of booze and debris from the estimated 10,000 people attending.” [From an AP story in Cape Cod Times, 28 September 1991, page B1. Submitted by Edwin A. Rosenberg, Danbury, Connecticut.]
“If you are seated in an exit row and you cannot read this card, or cannot see well enough to follow these instructions, please tell a crew member.” [From an emergency instruction card on United Airlines planes. Submitted by J. Robert Orpen, Jr., Chicago.]
“You and I know George Bush is the only man who can and should keep the reigns of Presidency in 1992.” [From an undated letter from Floyd Brown, National Chairman, Presidential Victory Committee, received 28 September 1992. Submitted by J. B. Lawrence, San Bernardino.]
“A Serbian soldier monitors the trajectory of a tank shell just fired through binoculars on a hill southeast of Sarajevo Sunday.” [A photo caption from the Pocono Record (Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania), 11 February 1993. Submitted by Alfred W. Munson, Stroudsburg.]
“Pop megastar Michael Jackson … insisted he had `very little’ plastic surgery during a live television interview with Oprah Winfrey on Wednesday.” [From an AP story in the Pocono Record (Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania), 11 February 1993. Submitted by Alfred W. Munson, Stroudsburg.]
******(5)
“My cup was an old blue one I had bought long ago at a Dallas Police Association fund-raiser…. You could replace a cup like that, but I had had it a long time.” Page 35. “I did not have a personal coffee cup of my own…” Page 176. [From Turnaround Jack, by Richard Abshire, William Morrow. Submitted by Terry F. Brock, Kansas City, Missouri.]
“ `No one expected it to be that high, but it’s lower than what we expected,’ said Mark Obrinsky,…”. [From The Wall Street Journal, 5 July 1991, page A8. Submitted by Bernard M. Brenner, Chelmsford, Massachusetts.]
“But the N.C.A.A. is concerned only with breaches of its recruiting and academic rules, not with honest-to-goodness crime.” [From “A National Disgrace,” in Reader’s Digest, August 1989. Submitted by Naftali Wertheim, Emek Beth Sh`an, Israel.]
“WORD PROCESSORS – TEMPORARY – several positions open proficiency with at least 1 language necessary. Call The Agentry.” [Classified ad in the (Springfield, Massachusetts) Union-News, 30 November 1991. Submitted by anon.]
“HOLYOKE – An ordinance that will help the city recoup thousands of dollars in fines from abandoned car owners has won the support of the police chief.” [From a story by Martin J. Laue in the (Springfield, Massachusetts) Union-News, 30 November 1991. Submitted by anon.]
******(7)
“If there are any questions, comments, that arise from any edition of this newsletter, please feel free to contact me (Ron Shaw) at—. I’m also open to suggestive topics for next trimester’s edition.” [From a newsletter, “Total Quality Management,” published by OAO Corporation, 15 January 1993. Submitted by Pam L. Jones, Sepulveda, California.]
“Child Safety Prevention Program Offers Little Sisters Sound Strategies.” [From Reaching Out, newsletter of the Big Sister Association of Greater Boston. Submitted by Alice Batchelor, Wellesley, Massachusetts.]
“Built of sandstone bricks and 25ft tall, Fuller’s remains were placed beneath the floor of this mausoleum on his death in 1834.” [From The Independent, 12 December 1995, Section Two. Submitted by Tony Hall, Chearsley, Buckinghamshire.]
“Has the past year brought the `lowering of voices’ and search for `common ground’ called for in the wake of the shootings by Cardinal Bernard Law, Gov. William Weld and others?” [From the Boston Globe, 30 December 1995, front-page article by Don Aucoin (who ought to be made to stand in the corner). Submitted by Alice Batchelor, Wellesley, Massachusetts.]
“Unbelievably, Part V,… has not even been accorded pagination, something for which Random House ought to be carpeted for before the International Bibliographical Court.” [From a review by Laurence Urdang in VERBATIM, XXII, 2,18. Submitted by Stephen Robert, LaCheen, Philadelphia, and some other base villains.]
“Child Safety Prevention Program Offers Little Sisters Sound Strategies.” [From Reaching Out, newsletter of the Big Sister Association of Greater Boston. Submitted by Alice Batchelor, Wellesley, Massachusetts.]
“Nel van Dijk,…the European Parliament’s leading campaigner for safe sex, recently distributed 625 condoms to her fellow MEPs, part of an EU programme to help combat AIDS. The campaign had hit the Internet, she informed fellow MEPs. There they could find all the do’s and don’ts about safe sex including a video of a man fitting a condom. For those unfortunate enough not to have access to the Internet, she added: `I also have one on a floppy.’ ” [From the Financial Times, 17 November 1995. Submitted by Norman Shapiro, Wesleyan University.]
******(11)
“If you cannot afford Christie’s Auction price £1,761,500 To buy The Anglesey Desk British Antique Replicas will make you an exact copy almost indistinguishable from the original at less than a fraction of Christie’s price.” [From an advertisement in the Sunday Telegraph, Spring 1996. Submitted by Tony Hall, Chearsley, Buckinghamshire.]
“Kudirat Abiola, 44, was in her car when she was shot at close range by six gunmen Tuesday morning. She died of her head wounds two hours later, as did her chauffeur.” [From the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, 7 June 1996, p. 10a. Submitted by Dave O’Brien, Hales Corners, Wisconsin.]
“The caretakers must be physically strong, and have enough stamina to tote groceries and supplies up hill, and garbage down hill. Weedeating is mandatory.” [From the United States Lighthouse Society Bulletin, Fall 1995, p. 1. Submitted by Kenn Oberrecht, North Bend, Oregon.]
“The truth is that the SAS consists of…men who have fought and died in the western desert, in Borneo, Malaya…” [From an article by Andy McNab in The Sunday Times, 13 November 1994. Submitted by Rosemary Woolner, Gerrards Cross, Buckinghamshire.]
“Last week, in the High Court, The Sunday Times apologised to Tengku Razaleigh Hamzah, the former Malaysian minister of finance and now leader of one of the main opposition parties, over an article published in February 1994 in which it was alledged that as a representative of the then Malaysian government, he had sought to procure special payments from a major British company to secure the continued progress of a construction project in Malaysia. In a further feature on “The Malaysian Affair” (March 13, 1994), the allegation was repeated and the article further suggested that he might have had a corrupt connection with a $600m banking fraud in Hong Kong, the death of a bank auditor and the false imprisonment of a Malaysian businessman as part of a cover-up.
“…We now accept without reservation that the serious allegations mentioned above should never have been made and as stated in open court last week, apologise unreservedly to Tengku Razaleigh Hamzah for any distress and embarrassment caused by the articles. We have furthere agreed to pay him a substaintial sum by way of compensation and his costs and have undertaken not to repeat the allegations.” [From The Sunday Times, 18 April 1996, p. 1/21.]
“After 170 years of uselessness and £100,000 of refurbishment, the Government is at last proposing to do something with Marble Arch.” [From The Times, 21 May 1996, p. 17?. Also caught (in a Letter to the Editor) by Daniel Snowman, London.]
“PUCCINI: Tosca (Filmed in the locale & time periods specified in the libretto)…” [From Atlantic Classics-Complete Catalog 1995, p. 197. Submitted by Reifler, Clinton Corners, New York.]
“A scene just before the intermission, when the family is sitting down for the Jewish satyr, does drag on a bit, but otherwise, the pace of the humor is right on.” [From a review of Beau Jest in The Daily World, 10 May 1996. Submitted by Eugenie Fox, Aberdeen, Washington.]
“Sixteen searchers, a search dog and a helicopter were being used to search today, but rain and six to 10 inches of new snot, with a total accumulation of two to three feet at those elevations, are hampering operations.” [From The Daily World, 18 April 1996. Submitted by Eugenie Fox, Aberdeen, Washington.]
“Boas was puzzled by a Japanese paper that kept referring to `stricken mass distributions.’ Unable to figure out what this meant, he wrote to the journalist’s editor. It turned out that a referee’s report had told the author, `The term “generalized mass distribution” is no longer used. The word “generalized” should be stricken.’ ” [From American Scientist, March-April 1996, p. 192. Submitted by Judith Weiss Cohen, Pawtucket, Rhode Island.]
******(10)
“Ex-woman student to get a $125,000 settlement.” [From the Seattle Post Intelligencer, 26 July 1991. Submitted by Harold J. Ellner, M.D., Richland, Washington.]
“With his stentorian gaze and minimalist technique, Yevgeny Mravinsky (1903-1988) presided over the Leningrad Philharmonic for almost 50 years…” [Form a mailing piece sent by BMG Classical Music Service, n.d. Submitted by Mr. Edward T. Dell, Jr., Peterborough, New Hampshire.]
“`Never has there been a more critical need for the NAACP, a strong and virulent organization with teeth and muscle and intestinal fortitude,” [Chairwoman Myrlie Evers-Williams] said in remarks prepared for delivery at the convention.” [From an AP story by Margaret Taus in The [San Bernardino] Sun, 10 July 1995, p. A2. Submitted by J.B. Lawrence, San Bernardino.]
“ `This is not the nanny-state, this is the daddy-state and it’s another cockup,’ said Teresa Gorman, the Eurosceptic Tory MP, last week. `It is disgraceful that taxpayers’ money is used in this way. We could reach a position where manufacturers of condoms get prosecuted because their users get overexcited.”’ [From The Sunday Times, 19 May 1996, p. 1/15.]
“Jim Ed Rhodes attained something most people never do, he achieved his dream. He died Thursday, December 14, 1995, at the age of 86.” [From the Corpus Christi Caller-Times, 19 December 1995. Submitted by A.W. Edwards, Corpus Christ I.]
“There is no obligation to buy. There are no annoying reply cards. There are only superb reference works at the best prices we offer.” [From the advertisement for the Oxford Reference Book Society in VERBATIM, Autumn 1995. Submitted by Hugh B. Wilcox, Preston, Virginia.]
“As soon as doctors will allow me,… I will share again my emotions at Carnegie Hall with the public that respects the past of an fartist and gives him hope for the future.” [From an advertisement in The New York Times, 20 May 1996. Submitted by “Pat J.”, ]
“A rock slide on Sunday crushed a car in Glacier National Park, killing a Japanese driver who was driving and injuring his sister.” [From The New York Times, 25 June 1996. Submitted by Giulio J. D’Angio, Swarthmore, Pennsylvania.]
“Mr Muskie broke down before the cameras while defending his wife’s honour on a flatbed truck in New Hampshire.” [From an obituary for Edmund Muskie in The Economist, 30 March 1996, p.83. Submitted by Mr. Thomas C. Gordon, Richmond, Virginia.]
“R.M. Alexander’s response (Nuisance dust better than no jobs, March 2-3, 1996) to concerns raised about dust generated by a local mining operation reply in large part on irrelevant ad homonym tactics by conjuring up the Sierra Club, their `tree hugging ilk,’ and mining jobs lost to communities elsewhere.” [From a letter, by David B. Johnson of Socorro, to the Editor, Defensor Chieftain, 13 & 14 March 1996. Submitted by Ms. Barbara R. DuBois, Socorro, New Mexico.]
******(1)
P.S. As you read through this Directory please understand that the committee has worked very hard to make it as accurate as possible considering the circumstances. Let’s remember “To error is human and to forgive divine.” [From the 1998-1999 Southern California Rotary Directory. Submitted by David A. Smith, Encino, California.]

 

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